Hope or Faith or Maybe Both!

Faith. It's just a little word. It's definition is "a hope in things which are not seen, which are true." My husband and I have had an unspoken motto for the last couple years: "if you don't have the faith yet, just hope and the faith will come." Today my heart is feeling it more tenderly than most. A few months ago our family went through an unusual experience. I didn't post about it at the time because it was too fresh and too private and too tender.

My husband has an old high school acquaintance who was planning to give up a baby. We first learned of the situation through a very close friend. The mother-to-be was in a bad way. She was addicted to drugs and in prison. My husband and I started talking about the possibility of adopting this baby. At the time, I was in the middle of a round of fertility treatments. It was taking it's toll on us both. We have always said that if the treatments don't work, then we would pursue adoption. This seemed just the push we needed.

The timing was all wrong. The situation was not ideal. Nothing was logical, but we agreed that if it was in our power, we would take in this child. We sent a letter to the mother, but it went unanswered. After a few weeks of fasting and praying, we were notified by our friend that there would be no adoption. The mother was keeping the baby with the help of a friend. But the hearts of my family were forever changed. We really opened ourselves to the idea of adoption and I can't shake the feeling that someday this is going to be the best option for our family.

I am terrified, but mostly, I have faith. It will probably be a long journey, but I am ready for it. Or at least, I hope I am.

Perspective

One of the reasons I enjoy reading family history stories is the immediate change in perspective it gives me for my own life. I get to see the beginnings and the endings for their adventures. I like that. It reminds me that our situations are always temporary.

Like many families, we have our daily and weekly struggles that take up so much of our time and energy that we forget the more lasting blessings in our life. I have a favorite quote: "Never create a permanent solution to a temporary problem."

Here is an example from my own life of when I DIDN'T follow this advice (Oh, I have a million of these!)

When I was a college student, I got married and very happily became pregnant soon after. I was elated and very focused on becoming a mother. I was already enrolled in my final semester at James Madison University. I was a psychology major, interested in family counseling. Within a few weeks of starting the semester, I became very sick with my pregnancy. I was unable to keep any food or drink down and I was passing out every time I vomited (sorry for the graphic imagery). It made it impossible for me to attend class and I had to take a medical withdrawal. That would have been fine if I would have simply enrolled for the next semester and finished with my giant belly. Instead, I was worrying about our family's immediate finances. In order to make more money, I took a job as a check-out girl at a grocery store and just accepted the fact that I wouldn't be able to finish my degree. I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom anyway, and my mom and married sisters (at the time)didn't have to work, so I would be fine. I put our immediate needs ahead of my long-term goals and aspirations. Now, eventually I did go back and get my degree, but I spent so many years regretting and suffering for the delay. Why did I see things so differently then? Shouldn't I have known the benefits of my finishing early would have far outweighed the temporary need for extra income?

We see things from such a limited perspective. The problems of this week or this month are like huge buildings blocking our view as we try to navigate through city streets. It is so easy to get disoriented and lost this way. If we pull out from the street view and click on the bird's-eye view instead, then we can clearly see the direction we need to go. Those tall buildings become little landmarks and we can see where the street will open up again.

Even looking at other people's lives, it is much easier to see the path they should choose than it is for them to know to choose it. They are blinded by their close perspective. We can help ourselves and others so much by talking about our challenges with people who have a clearer view. Our parents, our siblings, those who love us...especially our Heavenly Father. They can help us more than we can help ourselves because their view is less obstructed by our immediate needs and problems.

It isn't lack of wisdom that causes mistakes, it is lack of perspective.

Has this happened to you? Do you have mistakes that just seem obvious now even though you were trying to do the right thing at the time? How have you been able to change your perspective?

It's official! The business that Paul and J started is finally off the ground. Today actually marks 2 weeks since they started working. I am so proud of them! We named the company August Chapman Group after many days of discussing. We made a list of our top 20 names and then we narrowed them down 1 on 1 like a sports bracket. When it came to the final 3, we decided to combine 2 of them. What do you think of the name?

Momma's grin

I look like my mom...This picture is actually taken from the webcam on my work computer. I have a picture somewhere of my mom taken when I was in high school and she has this EXACT same expression on her face. The cheesy grin with the raised eyebrows is so HER! Ha ha...I miss her face!! I am glad the holidays are getting close. I feel myself getting more sentimental every day. I never thought I would be so sappy. Sheesh. Is it just me? I used to worry that I would turn into my mom...now I worry that I won't turn out that well. What are your thoughts? How has your relationship with your parents changed as you've gotten older?

sock bun success!!

I wanted to try this new hairstyle on Elle-belle...The Sock Bun! It's super cute and makes her hair look SO thick! Do you love it? I got the idea on someone's blog, but after spending about 45 minutes looking through my regular blogs and their blog links trying to give credit where credit was due, I realized that this isn't exactly a copyrighted idea...there were a billion results when I googled it. So, my bad, I can't find the post that provided my inspiration.

This one was a cakewalk and the results were stellar! Have you tried any new hairdo's lately? Do share! :)

Grandma's Birthday

Today would have been my Grandmother's 106th birthday...I can't believe she has been gone that long! She died when I was 17. She was a very interesting lady. She lived with us for 5 years after my grandpa died and it was quite an experience. Our house had been pretty full, but my 2 oldest sisters were in college and my oldest brother was getting ready to graduate so we turned Mom's office into a bedroom for her and she lived off the den right by the front porch.

She would just sit on the porch when the weather was good. Her health was poor and she was already just a little touched in the head. She never cut her hair and she wore it in an old danish style with two long braids wrapped around the top in a ring. She stopped putting it up after a couple of years and she would just wear 2 long braids. My friends thought she was American Indian.

She didn't refrain from expressing her opinions. My dad was an only child and we were her only grandchildren (7 of us). Kim was her favorite and I was her second favorite and she really disliked Candi. Sometimes Rachel would make a dessert and become the 2nd favorite over me, but only for a little while. It was not good, but we were her only family. At the time, we just all said she was crazy and maybe that's all it was.

When her health deteriorated even more, we had to place her in a nearby nursing home. She wasn't there long before she passed away...only a few months, I believe. Those were hard days for my Dad. He visited her every day on his way home from work. He's like that. I hope I am just like him one day.
Grandma made life hard on my mom. She never thought my mom was good enough for my dad. She criticized her an awful lot. My mom is an incredibly selfless woman. She is brilliant and witty and kind and didn't deserve to be disrespected, but she NEVER complained about it. I didn't realize how much of a sacrifice those years must've been for her.

I look forward to getting to know my Grandmother in the next life. She had a hard life and I know that she will be different person now that she is away from all her mortal cares. Even though people have problems, you still love them and value your relationships with them. She was always good to me.

"Before" pictures...AKA: My house now

I just know I will lose these pictures if I don't post them now! I have a lot of aspirations to renovate this house, but most of the projects can't be started yet for various reasons, so here is what the house will look like for a while. I do like the clock that Paul hung on the wall between the dining room and living room. We found it on clearance at Target a few weeks ago. Also, the gun in the photo is a replica of a civil war gun. Totally harmless, in case you were wondering. :)

I really want to paint the brick on this fireplace and replace the wooden blinds with roman shades.

Our furniture is hodgepodge...it's comfy, though!! What I WANT is a cool patterned armchair and a big L-couch...someday!!

Paul and I can't agree on whether crown molding would work on the vaulted ceiling..I say "yes!" We also need to paint all the wooden baseboards and windowsills white. One project that may happen soon is to paint the tv wall a nice beachy blue color. I have picked the exact shade out already!

I remember how excited I was when I first bought this couch 10 years ago. Sigh. It's seen better days!

Can you see how the chair railing in the dining room stops where the laminate floor transitions to carpet? I don't like that. I also don't like laminate floor or carpet! I want stone and hardwood. I am gonna save my pennies.

This room would look snazzy with some 2-tone paint colors! There is also a horrible border that needs to go...I didn't get it in the shot but it's awful. The kitchen is awful. The cabinets wouldn't be bad with a coat of paint, but the counters need replacing and we need to install a backsplash. I really like having projects on the horizon...wish the horizon was a leetle bit closer, though!

This is the hallway from the living room to the bedrooms. The wooden doors are very cozy, but outdated and it makes it really dark.

The bathroom is basic. It just needs new sink hardware, a new mirror, painted vanity, and a hanging cabinet with some colors and accessories... it probably will be my cheapest project!

I love that they built this bookcase into the living room. It just needs to be painted and some nice molding to make it perfect.

Mantel accessories...I have some ideas...I love Steinmart's homegoods section...I will do this last just in case I change my color scheme or something...

Ellie's room looks about the same...except she now has a doggie crate in there with her!

Her books and accessories.

TV Wall Mount

Paul has been working on getting our TV mounted to the wall. First he installed surround sound and added the higher outlets. He has mad electrician skills for a layman.

He figured out the cheapest way to mount it. It still cost about $50 for all the brackets and hardware. First he went to Home Depot...they don't have a good hardware selection so he had to go to Lowe's instead.

He bought 4 metal brackets and attached 2 to the television (it had the holes already in place) and then we measured EXACTLY to put the other 2 on the wall. The ones of the TV just rested on the ones on the wall and we put little bolts to hold them together.

The hardest part was getting everything plugged in properly while holding the heavy TV.

We also repurposed my dining buffet into a TV stand. We pulled the fronts of the drawers off and reattached them with hinges. I lined it with some pretty japanese paper and VOILA! Isn't it pretty?

I inherited this from my parents and love how it's now a focal piece in my living room! Isn't my hubby handy?

The Fallacy of Self-esteem

When I was in middle school, we had assemblies on "creating good self-esteem". We would get worksheets where we listed what we liked about ourselves. They would send us home with handouts for the parents that listed things to say to your children like "You're terrific!" and "Great job!". It was all an effort to make us feel good about ourselves. Despite these assemblies and handouts, I had peers committing suicide, getting pregnant in high school, and abusing drugs. I remember talking to my mom about having low self-esteem and she SHOCKED me by basically saying that self-esteem wasn't important...She said that as far as she could tell, it was CONTRARY to God's plan that we have good self-esteem.

She didn't mean we shouldn't love ourselves or anything like that. I have thought about this a lot and she was SO RIGHT! Christ teaches us that the first commandment is to love God and the second is to love our fellow man. Never does he mention self-esteem except to say that we should love others as ourselves. Oh how tricky is Satan and his philosophies of men. While we were all trying to develop good self-esteem, we were neglecting higher priorities like service to others and obedience to God's commandments. Things that naturally lead to good self-esteem...because we then understand that we are God's children and that we can do all things in Christ. We were being taught that self-esteem can be created through pretty words and that EVERYONE was "thumb-body". Everyone is valued, but we need to live our lives with PURPOSE. We have work to do. And that work will bring value and confidence to ourselves and our children.

Now that my daughter is in middle school, I find myself worrying about her self-esteem...but I shouldn't. I should worry about how she esteems God and others. If she esteems them as high or higher than herself, she will NATURALLY have good self-esteem. She will know that she is a daughter of God and she will work hard because of the love she feels for Him and her fellow man. And it won't matter that someone in class teased her or she doesn't have the right shoes or the designer blue jeans.

What do you think? Does self-esteem seem contrary to happiness?

I just found this very interesting post on a similar train of thought here. Interestingly, it was written about a week after I first penned my post...Great minds think alike. Ha ha. J/K. That was just my narcissism talking from all those years of self-esteem training.

humor and heartbreak

No matter what other people might think, I believe that I was once funny. My peers used to think so, long ago when I lived in my "life will end up as a fairy-tale" bubble. Mine was the sharp-witted, sarcastic kind of funny. Lately, however, that humor just falls flat with me. Perhaps it is age, perhaps the recession, perhaps my divorces, or my inferility, but whichever of these caused it, it comes down to being broken-hearted. Not like the 16-year-old girl who is dumped by her boyfriend kind, but the soul-wrenching, "how-is-this-my-life??" kind. This broken-heartedness has created a rift between myself and someone that I REALLY, REALLY loved. My old self. I just don't like that girl that I used to be very much anymore. And she would NEVER get me. We are barely on speaking terms these days. I rarely can read my old journals and am so IRRITATED with the banality of my old self when I do. And not just my 7th grade self either. My self. My husband has a phrase he uses whenever I start talking like this. He simply says "you are a Cosgriff" and lets it go at that. He is referring to what he has labelled "an inferiority complex". This is his way of getting out of a conversation like this:

Me: "Honey, I have no friends."
Paul: "ugh...here we go again!"
Me: "I am serious, no one likes me."
Paul: "...says the girl who just got invited to dinner with friends last week."
Me: "They were just being nice. They don't really like me"
Paul: "You are SUCH a Cosgriff."

He will then roll his eyes and play with Walter, our psychologically-perfect puppy.

But, I really do regularly feel this way. And my husband is right. (A very common and annoying habit of his). It isn't that people don't like me, it's that I can't imagine them liking me. And I am getting on my own nerves with it. So I am breaking up with my past self. No more journal-reading and introspective trips down memory lane!! I am done with psychoanalyzing my life.

Bad things have happened. I have some empathy now. I feel bad for people and I know they are most likely doing the best they can. I don't want to make them feel stupid anymore. And thus, I don't know how to be funny anymore. I really wasn't that funny to begin with.

Has your sense of humor or lack thereof changed with age like mine?

ECPI Heartwalk

Ellie and I participated in Charleston's "Heartwalk" this past weekend along with my coworkers. We had a lot of fun and there were close to five thousand participants this year. Here are some fun pictures that were taken. We had a fun group!

Genealogy? Me??

I have caught the bug. Seriously. I never thought I would be interested in family history. It isn't because I don't know how important it is. I have always known, but my parents were always doing it and I was a little jealous that all that time was being poured into (gasp) "dead people" instead of ME (their very dramatic and overly-sensitive little angel-girl!). Seriously. I was jealous of the time they spent doing family-history work! As I got old enough to get over that (~17 or so), I felt like they had already done all there was to do. Or that was the excuse I made. I have kept that excuse like a security blanket in the back of my mind.

Recently, however, there has been a change in my heart. I don't know where it stems from, but I cannot stop thinking about my ancestors! I spend hours poring over my genealogical lines and have been doodling family groups all over my scratch paper at work! It's soooooo cool! I love to read the biographies of my ancestors...particularly those who converted to the church. Their testimonies and strength give me such incentive to stay faithful. Their hardships make my life look like a complete cake-walk! Their accomplishments motivate me to do more. I don't really know if I will ever contribute to my own family history work...I hope I can figure out that part, but I have already been blessed by reading their stories!

Getting big!

Even though I got a sweet new camera as a surprise gift from my husband, I am having problems uploading photos to my computer so I am still using my cellphone camera for the shots in this post.
This school-year has started out VERY WELL for both Ellie and I!!! We committed before her 1st day to have a "daily debriefing" before homework and chores every afternoon and it has been a great success. All we do is grab a snack together and sit on the back porch away from everyone else and she tells me about her day...and occasionally I tell her about mine. Hers are generally MUCH more interesting than mine. I LOVE this time with her and she seems to love it too! This year she is taking piano at school instead of playing flute in the band and she really loves it. They have the technology that allows the teacher to "plug into" any piano in the room and listen to each student individually. Ellie's band background has been very helpful and she is progressing well. I am so proud of my little biscuit!

Here is Walter and Eleanor together. I took about 25 shots and this is the only one that wasn't blurred by their constant motion. Walter is big, but he is definitely still a puppy!! He is a great dog. Very snuggly, sweet, and loyal. His sister is more of a jumper and drooler so I feel like we got the pick of the litter (I am biased, of course). Here is a shot of our fireplace at the new house...ummm....I am not finished decorating...note the lack of window treatments, but I realize that I had no new pictures of our new place on my blog!
My 7th grader! She just seems so much more grown-up this year...and we are all happier because of it! :)

Insufficiency and Faith

Rachel and I and her twins back at Christmas time.

T gave a great talk on the atonement this past Sunday. It's really had me thinking this week. One of her main points was that many LDS women suffer from feelings of inadequacy and compare themselves to others to the point that they really don't believe they are good enough for the atonement to truly apply to them. This has been one of my greatest struggles as well. I wish we wouldn't compare our weaknesses to the strengths of others!!! We should not get discouraged at our inability to save ourselves...it's a universal truth that we cannot do it! It was part of our Heavenly Father's plan from the very beginning. It is the reason we needed a Savior. To ignore our need for the Savior by attempting to perfect ourselves will only drive a wedge between us and God!

It is simple for me to spout off words of wisdom when listening to the problems of others, but I am incapable of seeing the solutions to my own problems clearly. I remind myself of the cartoon verson of Alice in Wonderland when she said, "I often give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it." I cannot seem to help being emotionally connected to every decision I try to make. I ignore logic. I am plagued by fears that I refuse to give up. My pet fears. For example, I have a completely irrational fear of calling people on the phone.

"Feed your faith and your fears will starve to death." I am not sure who said that, but I believe it. "And if ye believe these things, see that ye do them." (That was King Benjamin in the book of Mosiah) So why is it so hard to do the things that we believe? That would be workings of the father of all lies, Satan himself. He feeds us little lies and half-truths such as "you are lazy" or "you lack self-discipline" or "you aren't as good as s0-and-so" or "you can never change" or "you aren't worth it." And he has plenty of reasons to work against my family right now. For starters, Paul and I are in the process of getting all our paperwork in order so we can be sealed together. For seconders (yes, I made that word up), we are exploring the ever-so-emotionally-draining world of adoption. For thirders (that one, too), we are STILL hashing out a new visitation order with Ellie's dad. Combined with taking a major leap of faith and trying AGAIN to get Paul self-employed, I am in constant need of spiritual nourishment.


The past few months, I have been listening to my Book of Mormon on the I-pod while getting ready for work. It's made a tremendous difference in my days. Yesterday the outlet in my bathroom died so I didn't get to listen to the scriptures(or blowdry my hair, for that matter, but that's a different problem). Anyway, I had a big fight with Paul last night (don't worry, we made up) and I am certain that the two are related (neglecting my scriptures, not my hair)! My point is, what was my point? Oh yeah, I am in constant need of spiritual nourishment! And I cannot save myself. I can't and you can't. We are like small children to our Father in Heaven. And just like children, we try to "do it myself!!". We are commanded to be like a little child, but it is the asking for help and the meekness that we should strive for, not the throwing of tantrums and pouting and whining.

Doing our best really is good enough. And our best doesn't look anything like our neighbor's best. Let's all remember that and allow the Atonement of Christ to bring us peace and joy even in the simple problems of our lives!

Hold your breath and JUMP!!

So Paul finally quit his job last week to prepare to start his new business in the next couple of weeks. This makes me feel SOOOOOO nervous, but mostly excited for them! J also put in his 2 weeks notice last week. T still hasn't found a job, but we'll figure out how to make it all work. She has been putting in applications like crazy and I know it's just a matter of time!

On Saturday, the boys spent the whole day building a desk and installing recessed lighting in our garage. It's quite the man-cave now. We got a nice air-conditioner in there and T and I put down a big rug and hung some curtains to soften it up a bit. It is going to be really nice when they are all done. I promise to post some pictures soon, but I am having technical difficulties with the software for my NEW CAMERA!! That's right! I got a new camera. Paul bought it on Craig's list. It's a Canon Rebel and he is certain that it will have the power to make my photos look good. I am so excited and have taken lots of pictures, but I didn't install the software right and I am not sure what I did wrong, but it looks like it might be a week or two before I figure it out!

Hope, work, and unexpected blessings!

It really cracks me up to read through some of my old posts and remember how I felt when I wrote them. So many little things happen over the course of weeks and months that change my way of thinking.
It's a little complicated, but I think (and hope) you can keep up.
We had to move because of our getting a puppy. I was really upset about it. We hadn't found a suitable place and our dog was initially a lot of work. Well, about a week after I posted, we found a house that was just perfect for us. It is on a wooded lot in a quiet cul-de-sac. It has a big old backyard that is perfect for Ellie and the dog. It is just the right size for us and very comfy. The rent was quite reasonable and I just LOVE my new landlady.
I started to get excited.
Our friends, J&T, came to visit from out of state and we showed them our new house. They loved it. They loved it so much that they started thinking about moving to Charleston too. That's not my story to tell, but I mention it because it relates directly to my story. One thing led to another and J, the husband, found a much better job here and we invited him to stay with us so he could start right away. Meanwhile, my sister, who was going to move in with us, experienced an insanely fast whirlwind romance that led her to quit her job and move to Baltimore just after we moved in. Suddenly we had Paul's best friend living with us and my sister was gone. It was an adjustment for me. A tough adjustment. But, I coped.
A few weeks later, J's wife, T, joined him at our house and they started looking for a place of their own.
Then, this past weekend, a little talking about jobs and the future led to a bold decision. Our husbands don't want to stay at their current jobs. They want to create a better future for our families. They want to go into business for themselves. This made me nervous. We tried it before and it didn't work out. I felt doubt. I felt fear. But then...I felt fine with it. I was completely elated about it. I was feeling hope for our financial future for the first time in a long time. Now, I can actually see a light at the end of our paycheck to paycheck, double-income tunnel!
So we are all going to start sacrificing for this hope. We can't just have our husbands quit their jobs, but if T and I continue to work full-time and we all stay living together, we can make it work until they get their business up and running. So...wish us luck!

Oh...and on a sidenote, I am glad I said yes to that puppy after all. What a strange series of events!

Puppy Trials

We got a dog. My life has ended. Okay...so I have a bit of a flair for the dramatic, but really this puppy has taken over my life! If I could rewind my life about a month, I would have just said "no", but for some reason, I decided to say "yes". The whole "Yes Man" theory is a pile of dogpoo. And I have seen some piles lately...all over my rugs!!

Our friends started it...We met them for a weekend and they had the sister-puppy and she was so cute and sleepy at 7 1/2 weeks old. They started showing us pictures of the siblings and Paul and I started considering it. Ellie's birthday was coming up and she's been BEGGING forever for a puppy (well all kids do that...). We thought it would be great for her to have a companion for the summer. Paul just wanted another boy in the family. blah blah blah.

• puppies are expensive




• puppies pee all the time...anywhere




• puppies have sharp little teeth and claws




• puppies cry at night




• puppies double in size within 3 weeks




• 11/12 year-old girls don't like puppy-sitting




• puppies don't like baths




• puppies like to bark




• puppies will always like your husband better than you

But none of those truths are the real problem. The problem is that we didn't check with our Apartment owner 1st. The problem is we made an emotional decision and we had to get him BEFORE someone else took OUR puppy. The problem is we are obviously insane. Our apartment is owned by someone else so even though there are TONS of dogs at our complex, our dog isn't welcome and so it was "Get rid of the dog or move". Simple. We should get rid of the dog, right? Wrong. We just didn't have the heart. Ellie was so excited and Walter was so cute! He was already crate-trained and we just spent $200 on food, toys, etc. So we are moving. Again. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. I am whining now. If you don't want to read the next paragraph, I totally understand (of course, if you've made it this far, you probably noticed that this whole post is whining).

My moving...since college (12 years)

1. Christiansburg, VA to Lake Worth, Florida (for a summer job selling pest control)

2. Lake Worth Apt to different Lake Worth Apt...I forget why now...

3. Lake Worth, FL to Bridgewater, VA (to finish college, got sick, didn't finish)

4. Bridgewater, VA to Buena Vista, VA (for ex to finish college, he did)

5. Buena Vista, VA to Roanoke, VA (for job, YAY)

6. Roanoke, VA to Pearisburg, VA (divorce, BOO)

7. Pearisburg, VA to Roanoke, VA (remarriage, YAY)

8. Roanoke, VA to Daleville, VA (divorce, take 2, BOO)

9. Daleville, VA to Buena Vista, VA (back to finish college, finished, YAY)

10. Buena Vista, VA to Lexington, VA (apt. to house, YAY)

11. Lexington, VA to Summerville, SC (job for Paul, YAY!)

So this will be 12 moves in 13 years. Frankly, I am dreading it. We still haven't found a place that meets our requirements. We need a fenced-in yard and we need it to be in Ellie's middle school boundaries...that's easy, but not on our budget! :(

The friends who started it are taking Walter for the next month so we can finish out our lease. I guess they are actual angels-in-disguise. No one can stand disappointing a little girl!!

Just don't talk to me for the next 2 months. I will be grumpy. I hate moving.

This dog better be the coolest pet ever. :)