Hope or Faith or Maybe Both!

Faith. It's just a little word. It's definition is "a hope in things which are not seen, which are true." My husband and I have had an unspoken motto for the last couple years: "if you don't have the faith yet, just hope and the faith will come." Today my heart is feeling it more tenderly than most. A few months ago our family went through an unusual experience. I didn't post about it at the time because it was too fresh and too private and too tender.

My husband has an old high school acquaintance who was planning to give up a baby. We first learned of the situation through a very close friend. The mother-to-be was in a bad way. She was addicted to drugs and in prison. My husband and I started talking about the possibility of adopting this baby. At the time, I was in the middle of a round of fertility treatments. It was taking it's toll on us both. We have always said that if the treatments don't work, then we would pursue adoption. This seemed just the push we needed.

The timing was all wrong. The situation was not ideal. Nothing was logical, but we agreed that if it was in our power, we would take in this child. We sent a letter to the mother, but it went unanswered. After a few weeks of fasting and praying, we were notified by our friend that there would be no adoption. The mother was keeping the baby with the help of a friend. But the hearts of my family were forever changed. We really opened ourselves to the idea of adoption and I can't shake the feeling that someday this is going to be the best option for our family.

I am terrified, but mostly, I have faith. It will probably be a long journey, but I am ready for it. Or at least, I hope I am.

humor and heartbreak

No matter what other people might think, I believe that I was once funny. My peers used to think so, long ago when I lived in my "life will end up as a fairy-tale" bubble. Mine was the sharp-witted, sarcastic kind of funny. Lately, however, that humor just falls flat with me. Perhaps it is age, perhaps the recession, perhaps my divorces, or my inferility, but whichever of these caused it, it comes down to being broken-hearted. Not like the 16-year-old girl who is dumped by her boyfriend kind, but the soul-wrenching, "how-is-this-my-life??" kind. This broken-heartedness has created a rift between myself and someone that I REALLY, REALLY loved. My old self. I just don't like that girl that I used to be very much anymore. And she would NEVER get me. We are barely on speaking terms these days. I rarely can read my old journals and am so IRRITATED with the banality of my old self when I do. And not just my 7th grade self either. My self. My husband has a phrase he uses whenever I start talking like this. He simply says "you are a Cosgriff" and lets it go at that. He is referring to what he has labelled "an inferiority complex". This is his way of getting out of a conversation like this:

Me: "Honey, I have no friends."
Paul: "ugh...here we go again!"
Me: "I am serious, no one likes me."
Paul: "...says the girl who just got invited to dinner with friends last week."
Me: "They were just being nice. They don't really like me"
Paul: "You are SUCH a Cosgriff."

He will then roll his eyes and play with Walter, our psychologically-perfect puppy.

But, I really do regularly feel this way. And my husband is right. (A very common and annoying habit of his). It isn't that people don't like me, it's that I can't imagine them liking me. And I am getting on my own nerves with it. So I am breaking up with my past self. No more journal-reading and introspective trips down memory lane!! I am done with psychoanalyzing my life.

Bad things have happened. I have some empathy now. I feel bad for people and I know they are most likely doing the best they can. I don't want to make them feel stupid anymore. And thus, I don't know how to be funny anymore. I really wasn't that funny to begin with.

Has your sense of humor or lack thereof changed with age like mine?