humor and heartbreak

No matter what other people might think, I believe that I was once funny. My peers used to think so, long ago when I lived in my "life will end up as a fairy-tale" bubble. Mine was the sharp-witted, sarcastic kind of funny. Lately, however, that humor just falls flat with me. Perhaps it is age, perhaps the recession, perhaps my divorces, or my inferility, but whichever of these caused it, it comes down to being broken-hearted. Not like the 16-year-old girl who is dumped by her boyfriend kind, but the soul-wrenching, "how-is-this-my-life??" kind. This broken-heartedness has created a rift between myself and someone that I REALLY, REALLY loved. My old self. I just don't like that girl that I used to be very much anymore. And she would NEVER get me. We are barely on speaking terms these days. I rarely can read my old journals and am so IRRITATED with the banality of my old self when I do. And not just my 7th grade self either. My self. My husband has a phrase he uses whenever I start talking like this. He simply says "you are a Cosgriff" and lets it go at that. He is referring to what he has labelled "an inferiority complex". This is his way of getting out of a conversation like this:

Me: "Honey, I have no friends."
Paul: "ugh...here we go again!"
Me: "I am serious, no one likes me."
Paul: "...says the girl who just got invited to dinner with friends last week."
Me: "They were just being nice. They don't really like me"
Paul: "You are SUCH a Cosgriff."

He will then roll his eyes and play with Walter, our psychologically-perfect puppy.

But, I really do regularly feel this way. And my husband is right. (A very common and annoying habit of his). It isn't that people don't like me, it's that I can't imagine them liking me. And I am getting on my own nerves with it. So I am breaking up with my past self. No more journal-reading and introspective trips down memory lane!! I am done with psychoanalyzing my life.

Bad things have happened. I have some empathy now. I feel bad for people and I know they are most likely doing the best they can. I don't want to make them feel stupid anymore. And thus, I don't know how to be funny anymore. I really wasn't that funny to begin with.

Has your sense of humor or lack thereof changed with age like mine?

Puppy Trials

We got a dog. My life has ended. Okay...so I have a bit of a flair for the dramatic, but really this puppy has taken over my life! If I could rewind my life about a month, I would have just said "no", but for some reason, I decided to say "yes". The whole "Yes Man" theory is a pile of dogpoo. And I have seen some piles lately...all over my rugs!!

Our friends started it...We met them for a weekend and they had the sister-puppy and she was so cute and sleepy at 7 1/2 weeks old. They started showing us pictures of the siblings and Paul and I started considering it. Ellie's birthday was coming up and she's been BEGGING forever for a puppy (well all kids do that...). We thought it would be great for her to have a companion for the summer. Paul just wanted another boy in the family. blah blah blah.

• puppies are expensive




• puppies pee all the time...anywhere




• puppies have sharp little teeth and claws




• puppies cry at night




• puppies double in size within 3 weeks




• 11/12 year-old girls don't like puppy-sitting




• puppies don't like baths




• puppies like to bark




• puppies will always like your husband better than you

But none of those truths are the real problem. The problem is that we didn't check with our Apartment owner 1st. The problem is we made an emotional decision and we had to get him BEFORE someone else took OUR puppy. The problem is we are obviously insane. Our apartment is owned by someone else so even though there are TONS of dogs at our complex, our dog isn't welcome and so it was "Get rid of the dog or move". Simple. We should get rid of the dog, right? Wrong. We just didn't have the heart. Ellie was so excited and Walter was so cute! He was already crate-trained and we just spent $200 on food, toys, etc. So we are moving. Again. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. I am whining now. If you don't want to read the next paragraph, I totally understand (of course, if you've made it this far, you probably noticed that this whole post is whining).

My moving...since college (12 years)

1. Christiansburg, VA to Lake Worth, Florida (for a summer job selling pest control)

2. Lake Worth Apt to different Lake Worth Apt...I forget why now...

3. Lake Worth, FL to Bridgewater, VA (to finish college, got sick, didn't finish)

4. Bridgewater, VA to Buena Vista, VA (for ex to finish college, he did)

5. Buena Vista, VA to Roanoke, VA (for job, YAY)

6. Roanoke, VA to Pearisburg, VA (divorce, BOO)

7. Pearisburg, VA to Roanoke, VA (remarriage, YAY)

8. Roanoke, VA to Daleville, VA (divorce, take 2, BOO)

9. Daleville, VA to Buena Vista, VA (back to finish college, finished, YAY)

10. Buena Vista, VA to Lexington, VA (apt. to house, YAY)

11. Lexington, VA to Summerville, SC (job for Paul, YAY!)

So this will be 12 moves in 13 years. Frankly, I am dreading it. We still haven't found a place that meets our requirements. We need a fenced-in yard and we need it to be in Ellie's middle school boundaries...that's easy, but not on our budget! :(

The friends who started it are taking Walter for the next month so we can finish out our lease. I guess they are actual angels-in-disguise. No one can stand disappointing a little girl!!

Just don't talk to me for the next 2 months. I will be grumpy. I hate moving.

This dog better be the coolest pet ever. :)