Sam's new look!

So I brought S to work today to introduce her to my coworkers. I felt just like an elementary school student who has her parents eat lunch in the school cafeteria. Fun! I only wished I could take credit for her cool new hair, but she did the cut herself and all I did was the color. It's nice having others to make up so that I can give my own hair a little time to grow out.

I know I am supposed to be giving full accounts of all my dating adventures, but I haven't had a single date in WEEKS!! Thank goodness. It's been the most pleasant hiatus for me. I don't miss it at all. So I am in a total crisis mode about my weekend. I have not a single plan and my daughter and sister are both going out of town. Golf has a golf tournament at Bridgewater College and the ex has invited me to see his band play at Cornerstone. It's ever so much more tempting when I have nothing to do, but seeing as I have no one to accompany me, I am not too worried that I will succumb. I do not like going to bars. I really would be uncomfortable without a close friend. I suppose I will have to actually tackle my boring filing that I have been putting off for months. sigh. It'll be good to get more organized!!

staying up late

It's almost 1:00 am. I don't know why I haven't gone to bed yet! I just deleted my online dating subscription. I really don't like the way I feel looking at people I don't know and trying to decide who's worth "flirting" with and who isn't. It's not for me. I don't like being checked out that way either. I would rather just find friends now. I am tired of dating. Did I tell you lately how cool Golf is? And Korea is also very cool. The ex is no longer cool. I don't like how I feel about myself when I am with him. That's no longer acceptable to me. Watching my sister go through this separation and possible divorce is teaching me a lot about myself. I don't want her to settle or be miserable and there are people who care about me that way. I simply refuse to ignore their good advice any longer. I don't know why people are so stubborn. And when I say "people", I mean ME! I am hoping for some serious personal growth. ahhhh!!! what did I just say? I didn't mean it. I can't handle serious growth really. I just want an itty bitty amount of growth at a time. I just want it to be a gentle slope towards emotional health. No life changing experiences need apply. I have had enough of those.
This posting is lame. I am boring myself. And getting on my own nerves. I can't believe there are people who might actually read all my ramblings. I love you for it though. It's nice to imagine that you are heard. I love reading other people's blogs!
cha-cha-gigi, I hope you are done with your time off now.

OK, it could be a change in dynamics

Well my mother was upset with me because I haven't been writing her diligently. I am such a bad daughter. The truth is that I am spreading myself out a little too thin. Starting school up again is hard on me. It'll take a couple weeks to adjust to being the full time teacher, mother, sister, and employee that I am now expected to be. The good news is that I realize I am fully capable of it and I just have to be patient with myself.
So the redneck really ended his chances of being just friends with me this week. I don't like pushy people and expecially don't like someone pushing themselves on me. I like flirting when it's casual but I don't like serious committment talk early on. ick. I had to be a lot more blunt and it felt mean, but the result was good. No more unwanted contact. I guess I need to go into details for those who are unfamiliar with the whole story. He called me to ask if we could still be friends and I said "ok". Then he called the next night and I didn't answer the phone and he left a message about this weekend. The next morning he texted me that he wanted to have lunch. We met at Wendy's and during lunch he wanted to know if the dating option could be left open. I was so uncomfortable and I said "ok" even though I should have said "no". When I got back to work there was another dozen roses and that just pushed me into "freak-out" mode. I ignored them and there was no card, but later that day he texted me again with "hope you're having a floral day". I still did not reply. The next morning he texted with "hope I wasn't too forward yesterday, I just wanted you to know I feel". That's when I went for the blunt reply. I texted back and said "honestly I was very uncomfortable. you put me on the spot. I don't want to be more than friends." And I haven't heard a word since.
I didn't go to the ex's show this week like he wanted me to. He came by the house Wednesday night and it was just hard for me. I planned to go see his show with Golf but then S and Golf talked me out of it and I was protected from what was sure to be an evening of misery. It is nice to have good friends who love you. I am lucky. The ex called me at work the next morning wanting to know what happened to me. I played it cool. I am getting a little annoyed with his lack of compassion for what he's put me through. That could be the best thing that's happened to me in a long time! Annoyance is major with me. It marks the end of a relationship as far as I am concerned. Or at the very least, a change in dynamics.

Hollywood Moment

Here's E and S at Hollywood's in Roanoke. It's a great little restaurant in Roanoke. Ellie saw a picture of a farmer milking a cow. She looked at it and I said "What do you think of that picture?" She replied "it's a veterinarian and he's getting the cow to pee in a cup, right?" Ha ha ha ha. She's a bit of a city slicker, eh?
It was a fun family gathering. It's way cool having S back in town. I think we are adjusting pretty well to one another. Ellie had a good night last night and a good morning today so maybe the worst is behind me.
I have got to get a good digital camera. These camera phone images are really awful. sorry.

Golf at Lunch

Nothing interesting today, I don't know why you are checking

Dating, as I had known it in the summertime has officially disappeared. It has been replaced with gentle friendships and not-so-gentle temper-tantrums. The friendships are mine and the tantrums are E's. I am hoping that things with her will improve as she adjusts to her new school schedule. This starts a new season for me. Now that S is living with me and E is back at home, I am missing my alone time more than ever. I started teaching early morning seminary again yesterday. I have a really great class with 3 students. I am certain that they will be teaching me much more than I can teach them. Getting up an hour earlier is no big deal, but getting E up at all is always a big deal. She is such a night owl but she gets so grumpy in the mornings.
Yesterday I got a call from Redneck just before seminary started. That's before 7am for those that need specifics. He wanted to talk so I told him I would call him after work. I was glad to speak with him because I had missed him this last week, but I didn't feel like it would be fair to pull the "let's just be friends" line because I know he wants more than that. Anyway, that is exactly what he asked for and I am more than happy to oblige. I do want to follow my mother's advice to cultivate friendships. Today I will eat lunch with Golf. He'll be going to school right nextdoor to the courthouse where I work. It'll be nice to have a little company to go with my PB&J. And poor Korea has been reading my blog. There is no telling what he thinks about all my dating diaries, but he hasn't totally given up on me and so there is still hope for him. I introduced my sister, S to my neighbors last night. It wasn't long before she got her first post-separation dinner invitation. The guy was at least twice her age. It'll be fun to have a commiserating partner. The neighbor who asks me out all the time was supposed to replace me with her, but it didn't take apparently because now he is pressuring her to bring me around more often. It's no wonder I avoided neighborliness all summer. I am going to put in this picture of an officer who came in the office today and made me laugh. Thank goodness for a good sense of humor. I know I need it.

Sister in Virginia

Look it's S! We picked her up from the airport quite successfully except for one broken flip-flop. Can you see her hairdo? It's short everywhere except in the very front. She is now being sent to her bed for some much needed rest and I am going to bed too!

Saturday morning with a mother and daughter

It's the start of a brand new day! Those of you who were very upset about yesterday's posting had every right and I apologize for the picture of the ex and the comments that accompanied it. The one who called me on it (you know who you are) motivated me to leave yet another message for him. This basically said "please don't call me anymore, I really meant what I said about not being able to handle being "just friends" and it's not fair for you to ignore my request."
Maybe this time it will take. I am getting ready to go pick up my sister S from the airport in Raleigh. It's a 3 hour drive so Ellie is packing snacks in this picture. She picked out a plain tortilla and some chocolate chips!! She is a sweetie normally. Yesterday just as Golf arrived to watch a movie with us, she threw the most colossally embarrassing fit on the sidewalk in front of all the neighbors and Golf. I was mortified, but that's parenthood.

Mind Battles

Here's the ex in all his glory. I still think he is beautiful. This picture is from his band website. There are several more on there if you go to code11entertains.com
It's just sad how many times I have looked at that site to see pictures of him since we got separated. I found that the more I fought my feelings, the worse I felt. So now I can see pictures and talk to him without getting as upset about it. There is no way around things like this. You just barrel on through and it hurts but you grow.

Happy Friday!! I heard "Celebration Song" on my way to work today. I am pumped now to take some phone calls!! Ha ha ha. jobs are jobs. I had such a toasty night last night. I got my baby girl into bed and put my phone on silent mode and caught up on some much needed zzzzz's. I love getting a good night's sleep. Well my little sister is now going through a separation with her husband. I always said I would rather go through it myself than have to see someone I love go through it. I am sure she will handle everything marvelously, but that doesn't mean it will be easy for her or anything. They say that divorce is like experiencing the death of a loved one. I agree. You go through all the stages of grief: anger, denial, acceptance, grief, and whatever else there is over and over in any kind of order. Those that know and love S need to call her often and keep her in your prayers. I got a call from the ex last night. Just checking in and reporting. I am pleased to say that it didn't upset me and I was the one to say that I needed to go. This is progress, ya'll!!

I will probably have Golf over tonight. He wants to watch "Poseidan" with Ellie and I. No problem for me because I totally think Josh Lucas is the hottest leading man! mmmmm...yummy. And Golf has been a great friend ever since I first talked to him. My mother's most recent advice to me is "cultivate friends, you don't need a husband!". And I have been thinking it ever since...I am starting to feel it too!

The other side of the story

Well there are those who did feel the need to call me to check on my sanity after the kiss with the ex story. I love those people and it makes me feel good to know that I am not alone with my worries and woes. Now keep in mind that I write what I am feeling exactly at the time I write and I am as fickle as any girl I know. The fact that I experience a feeling one day doesn't indicate that I will continue feeling it. I suppose that is the nature of feelings. They are constantly changing. It is my belief that we can create some feelings based on directed thinking. I mean if I really wanted to feel different about something and I got into certain habits of thinking, then I could truly feel different in time. So I am gonna do a feelings experiment. I want to start with something small. I am not ready to work on the ex yet so I am going to do it with a bit of a neutral acquaintance. I haven't thought of a good person yet. I will have to scope out my options...figure out someone who I just don't like. Police officers are hot. sorry. I had to throw that in. I work with them all the time and I just like them.
I broke up with my redneck. It was hard but I got it over with once I knew it had to be done. I have no current prospects and I kind of like that. My mom said I need to repeat "I don't need a husband" to myself frequently. She must be privy to my theory of thinking and feeling. If I think "I don't need a husband" regularly then I will really feel that way and then I will not be tempted to settle just to be with someone. yay!! when you believe you control your own feelings, it's very empowering. I suggest it as a way of life. you go girl.

no apologies necessary

Okay, the truth is that I have a hard time writing on my blog when I know certain people will be reading it. I am even considering keeping a private diary instead. This lets me know 2 things about myself. First, I am obviously not proud of all my dealings with men and second, I don't think things have been very funny lately. The only course of action I can take is to be brutally honest and bare my soul for all to see. This will not accomplish anything except for potentially burning some bridges with men who I am not committed to anyway.
So I kissed two guys in two days. The first guy I am gonna have to name Redneck because he is an admitted redneck and while I have known him my whole life and really respect him, I just am not feeling any kind of attraction to him. And the second guy is my ex-husband. Yes, that's what I said. Now don't go all crazy and start calling me. Both kisses were just pecks and they were both pleasant enough but didn't have any kind of deep meaning. The thing that I learned from kissing the ex is that I am not really ready to move on to anyone else seriously at this point. I just haven't the heart. I still have really strong feelings for him. Not that everyone who really knows me didn't already know that, but I just have to say it. I made a seriously hard choice a few weeks ago and told him not to call or visit me anymore because I was trying so hard to get over him. The result of that e-mail was that the ex started calling me more and now I am less over him than I was before. It would stand to reason then that the solution is to ask him to visit me and call me more and then I won't hear from him at all. The problem with that is that it would make me feel like a bigger loser than I already do. I have realized that I need to end the tiny start of a relationship I have with the redneck because I can't feel for him what he deserves a girl to feel for him. I mourn this loss because I just know he would make a fabulous husband to some lucky girl, but it won't be me and that's sad when you don't have any decent prospects left. It's the only option because it is the right and honest thing to do and I can't lead on someone whose family I have known my whole life knowing full well that I am not attracted to the guy. sad sad.
The worst thing is that I really want to kiss the ex again. bad me. sad me.

3 weeks of misery wasted

I really have NOT been miserable for 3 weeks and that is why I haven't blogged. Of course I am only kidding. I am sorry for the lapse. It's Golf's fault. He is a phone talker. Totally friends only but still wants to keep me up past my bedtime every night. He likes to pick my brain about ridiculous scenarios. "If you were on a date with a guy you really liked and he farted but didn't say anything about it, what would you do?" That kind of a question. He really is funny but apparently all my feminine charms do nothing for him. He likes younger, shorter women with long dark hair. blah blah blah.
I put up with it because he's all I've got these days to occupy my time. Never Untucked finally got the hint...although I did have to put up with him on one more date last week. The YOung ONe has left for college and I miss his attention but am kinda relieved that he has gone. Mr. Korea is still my favorite. He's seemed kinda glum these last few weeks. I think he misses me, but more than likely he is just tired of being in the army. But I think it's me. hee hee. I am always so full of myself.

The follow-up

I finally heard from Mr. Korea. I wrote him diligently in the past few days so that he'd have no excuse not to write me back. It was really good to hear from him. I didn't realize how badly I missed talking to him until I heard from him again. I called the Young One yesterday and apologized to him about the hand-holding and told him I just wanted to be friends. He really is a sweet guy. I also bit the bullet and talked to Never Untucked. I told him that I just wanted to be friends, but then I realized I don't even want to be friends after he asked me what I was doing next week. Ugh. He bugs.
So I had a really good date on Tuesday night. It's nice to just have fun sometimes. And no one put any moves on anyone so it was even better.
I spoke to my brother J and told him about the funny coincidence with the internet boy who is roommates with my 1st cousin. Turned out J knew he too! They were lab partners at BYU. I was so surprised that I called Internet Boy just to tell him that he knew my brother. In all honesty, I don't think I can be interested in Internet Boy after talking to him twice. He is very very nice. I am not sure that I could be attracted to him though. His voice reminds me of a guy that was in my ward growing up (Will Whittier for those who are interested). I just sound like Elaine from Seinfeld when I come up with reasons like that. I care about chemistry though.

Oh so many stories!

It has been too long since I have blogged! Dating-land has been calling me! Seriously it was a bit of a wild weekend. I went to another dance in North Carolina. This time we took 8 people and met 4 others down there. That made for bunches of fun. I had a great time but ended up in a bit of a situation. There is a really sweet young guy (The Young One) in my ward who I have flirted with for months. My theory was that since he is only 21 and I am 29 that it would be safe to flirt with him and he wouldn't ask me out. So then 2 weeks ago at church he jokingly proposed to me in front of a bunch of people and so then we jokingly told everyone we were engaged and I thought it was all in fun. Well, I was trying not to dance with any new guys at the dance so I danced with him a lot, and then on the drive back we were the only ones awake...he was driving and I was keeping him awake...anyway I must've crossed some line because we ended up holding hands...yeah, you think that is cute, but I wasn't thrilled about this new development, and didn't know how to properly address it so that I could remedy my mistake...then he asked me out for the next night, and I was totally nice and said "yes", but I should have said "no" because then he held my hand in the movie. I was feeling like a pedophile or something. It upsets me because I really really like him AS A FRIEND and I hate to be insensitive. It is totally my fault too. He asked me out again yesterday but I already had a different date set up so I told him that I couldn't go out with him because I had a date. Hopefully it will be the end of it...I think you all know it won't be though! Things never end so easily. I am really sad because I haven't heard a word from my sweet North Carolina man since he had to leave for Korea. I haven't heard from him since Friday night before the dance.
I was early to the meeting place and was talking to Mr. Korea on the phone when the Young One pulled into the lot. He saw that I was on the phone and left me alone. The Young One is very polite. Unfortunately, the next guy to arrive was this fellow whom I will call Never Untucked because he tucks in his t-shirts and it gets on my nerves. Never Untucked is only 23 but he thinks of himself as being very mature. He is not a bad fellow, and wouldn't get on my nerves if I didn't know he was interested. So before I discovered that he was, I invited Never Untucked to the dance along with pretty much everyone in the ward that I spoke to. For some reason, he asked me if I was inviting him as my date. I obviously was not thinking clearly so I said "sure!" instead of the correct and honest answer of "heck no". I realized this within minutes and so I told Never Untucked that since I didn't think a big group at a dance would be a good date, maybe we could have dinner together sometime instead. He invited me for Sunday dinner with the missionaries. I was happy because I would have others to speak to! Anyway, I have totally gotten off-track. The point is that when he arrived to meet for the dance, he opened the passenger side and got in the car WHILE I WAS STILL ON THE PHONE WITH MR KOREA. I was annoyed so much that I made it a point to not let him sit next to me on the drive down to Raleigh! Unfortunately this is how I ended up sitting with the Young One. Then, at the dance, I danced a lot with the Young One just to avoid dancing with Never Untucked and this other fellow whom I haven't yet mentioned but I will call him Voicemail Reject because he asked me out on voicemail AFTER I DIDN'T return his first call. That story is not so much funny as just mean.
Anyway. whew. I am exhausted.
So I then had church on Sunday where I arrived first...big mistake. Never Untucked came in and sat on my left and then the Young One came and sat on my other left. OK, Never Untucked was on my right. I am directionally challenged, by the way. So it was like they were fighting over who could share their hymnal with me.
Enter ward young guy number 3. I know...it's way too confusing. There is another guy who entered the picture a few weeks ago who knows about Young One and Never Untucked. He is fun to talk to but is also young although a lot less clueless. I will call him Golf.
Golf is not nearly as forward as these other two. I really thought he was trying to make a friend with me as a means of getting to some other girl in the ward, but after calling and talking to me for an hour 4 nights in a row, I clued in that perhaps he was interested in a little more than friendship. I haven't gone out with him as of this blog but have a date this evening. Thank goodness we planned it on Saturday night because Never Untucked and the Young One both asked me out for tonight so it gave me a good reason to say "no".
Meanwhile I am still on the mormon dating website and I have been getting lots of messages which I almost always ignore. For some reason I responded to this guy in NY who asked if he could call me. I gave him my number and it turns out that his roommate is my 1st cousin! Random!
Anyway that is all I have for now. I am worn out just thinking about it. Don't you wish you could be cool like me?! I am such a loser. I really can't believe this week!

Fun in the sun...oh the joys of childhood summers!

You'll have to excuse the sideways picture. I got it that way and have no idea how to fix it. Anyway it looks like she's MOSTLY having a lot of fun...that sunburn might hurt a little! Summertime is pretty much awesome for kids. I am totally jealous!

What's meaner? Sending me a vacation picture while I am at work or e-mailing me that his friend from high school is friends with my ex-husband. How about both in the same day? Just the same I think this picture is adorable. Of course I am biased now.

It's been a great couple of days. The problem is that the better things are going for me relationship-wise, the more boring my blog becomes. Sorry CC. I am just not a giggle-maker anymore I guess.

I spent about 5 hours on the phone today after work. Sometimes you're just on a roll. I also rearranged my kitchen and cleaned my house...I like talking while I work, but my phone only works in the kitchen so it limits my housework potential greatly.

I have been so much of a social butterfly in my singles ward lately that people are starting to call me to find out what is going on in the ward. I am not even a true member of that ward, but I have been going to pretty much every activity that they have while my daughter is vacationing at my sisters. It keeps me occupied, but I worry that I will miss it really bad later. nah, I miss my daughter more. I need her to stay grounded. I got some cute pictures of her today too...I will upload those and then I need to get to bed.

Mamasita

Here is my Mom in Japan. She is in a cemetary there. That is her favorite past-time as a geneaologist. She is basically stylin' among the ancestors. I miss my Mom. I have been lucky to live within a couple of hours of her for all of my adult life. I actually got to live with her for 2 years after my 1st divorce and she made sainthood as far as I am concerned. She let me ramble on for hours and hours and would just listen to me. I would like to be that kind of a Mom to my daughter.