Relationship Status

Well It's been 10 days since I last blogged. I now have a new relationship status to report. That means I changed my facebook and myspace profiles from "single" to "in a relationship". My my. What a big step that was. Of course I haven't technically done the DTR (Define the relationship) talk so I don't know exactly what to call this new relationship. It is a friendship that took one little step forward. That is all for now. It was Golf. We've been good friends since the beginning of summer.
There is nothing scarier than deciding to date a friend. It's especially scary when he's become your best friend. On the other hand, you can trust a friend to be honest with you and your expectations are a lot more realistic.

My new poem about the ex

I’ve made a friend of a lover after all this time has passed.
Someone who truly knows me, who can always make me laugh.
The passion we once felt has mellowed to a warm, delicious glow;
Embers left to give light and heat, despite bitter cold or snow
The dangerous flame with its reckless abandon and unpredictable wrath,
Replaced now by something soothing and comfortable in its path
When our love died down and simmered into something we could trust,
Was it lessened somehow by its newfound freedom from our lust?
Rather, it’s awakened and strengthened, somehow made whole and new,
And a heart that once was broken now seems more fresh and true.
My heart, she cried for mercy and begged to be devoured in the flame;
But now she rejoices in the eternal embers left to melt down all the pain.

ffffffft.

I discovered myspace this week. I am now a junkie. I have no time for this new addiction and of course I had to do a little blogging there, so this blog has suffered. I can't write on there like I do on this blog though so no worries. I am certain that I will still use this one to confess all my idiot dating behavior. I didn't go on any dates this week. Unless you consider meeting Golf at the park and brown-bagging it a date. I don't because it was neither planned, nor paid for. It was paired off though so it met one requirement. And technically it was planned. And it's not like I had to pay for myself. I invited Golf to join me for dinner with Sam and Jeremy and Coleen (the sister, brother, and sister-in-law), but I bought the food so that can't be considered a date either. Plus I had my daughter with me so it was more of a family gathering with a friend.
Golf had a golf tournament in Richmond this weekend and I have had several church meetings to attend so it's been a quiet weekend. One never knows, I could just get all crazy on Sunday. I need to go to bed right now. I love pie.

reruns from happy days are even better than original happy days

Sam and I have been doing a lot of evening walks lately. First I put my daughter to bed, and then we head up the mountain behind our neighborhood. Last night it was raining, but we went anyway and some guy stopped us to tell us to look out for a bear that had been spotted wandering that neighborhood last week. It scared me, but Sam has lots of ranger experience so I wasn't quite as terrified as I would've been if I were alone. When Sam came home from her mission and we both ended up living at home (during my separation from my daughter's father) we started going for walks everyday. We both have very pleasant memories from that time and so walking together again is really great. The exercise doesn't hurt either.
For some reason, the conversation is better when your body is occupied with something else. We both need sympathetic sounding boards for all our woes. We also have been doing a lot of myspace searching for old friends lately. I have a hard time getting off the computer to get to bed on time. I am just hoping the novelty will wear off soon so that I can get some zzzzzzz's.

the good the bad and the early morning

I tell everything about my life so that I don't feel bad for sharing the good along with the bad. Everyone knows both sides. Perhaps people will relate to me better because they have the same types of experiences as me. The wrestling with one's self, if you will. Yesterday I did something good. I opted to go out with S and Golf instead of the ex. Yay me!! And I felt pretty awesome about that. The ex called me twice at work and wondered if I would take him clothes shopping. I was willing, but he didn't really make time to do it when I was available so I went ahead and made other plans. He called again when I was out with them and I told him that it was too late. I may be falling for Golf though. He would kill me for saying so since he's convinced that we should just be friends. And we are friends. But really, when you have such a good guy friend and you aren't dating anyone else and you find him attractive, it's only natural to entertain such ideas. It's not a good time though, so I am as adamant about doing nothing about it as he is. mostly.
A funny thing happened this morning. I woke up to the sound of a man's voice in my apartment. I looked at the clock and found that I had overslept by approximately one hour and 45minutes! My class was already inside (the man's voice was actually a 16-year old) ...apparently I didn't lock the door last night! Ellie's bus had already come and I had to be at work in an hour. Needless to say, it was a bit of a stressful morning. Ellie was only a few minutes late to school and I was 20 minutes late to work and the seminary class just had to do scripture mastery work on their own. They were very understanding that I had to get ready for work while they were there. Good times, S, good times. It turned out that although I checked my alarm to be sure it was set for the right time, I forgot to turn it on!
Today is my dad's 67th birthday. He doesn't seem like he can be that old!! I am hoping they spoil him good in Tokyo!

No privacy and no secrets

There is a part of me that wonders if it is such a good idea to be so very open with myself. I am sure that there is a good reason that most people play games in dating. It is a way to avoid pain and embarrassment, but I wonder if it also works so far as getting oneself in the relationships that one wants. I can't do it. I have a big mouth and cannot keep my own secrets. I have no problem with other peoples, but I just blurt my own like they are everybody's business. I used to think that somehow made me more honest than people who choose not to share, but I realize it just makes me appear even dumber than I really am. People are accustomed to a certain amount of holding back and I just don't do it. Really, I am frustrated with myself. I don't know if I am gonna change though. It's too funny to not include my idiot behavior on the blog. I am sure that is why other people talk about hobbies and art and music or anything other than their own behaviors. Not likely to happen for me. One, I am way too bored with hobbies, and two, I don't know enough about any one thing to devote more than one writing to any particular subject. I think human behavior is fascinating. I should write in the third person and use a pseudonym for myself.
Case Study #1: Darcy, female, age 29, twice divorced, one child, female, age 7 from first marriage. Subject is way too sharing of private information. Most likely attributed to lack of attention in her nuclear family which resulted in deep-seated insecurity. Exhibits strange over-exaggerated facial expressions when speaking. Very obnoxiously happy all the time. Can't seem to stop talking to ex-husband #2 even though he totally dissed her and left her up a creek without a paddle. Exhibits sarcasm when speaking to others but can be sensitive at times when others use too much with her. This week the subject called the ex herself to arrange a supposedly innocent date. Everyone who cares a smidge for her is discouraging the maintainance of said relationship, but she seems insensitive to their feelings on the matter.
Poor Darcy. She's such a boob.

pilfered pictures!

weekend update without Norm Macdonald

I am hoping to pilfer some photos to post on the blog soon. For now we will just have to patiently read all the ramblings of my mind. I had a momentary lapse of strength and called the ex to do something Friday night. Had it not been the ex, I am sure everyone would have called it a successful date. We went to see "Dirty Dancing" at Elmwood Park. They show it outside and everyone just sits on blankets or brings their own chairs. It is really nice. We enjoyed it. The ex had never even seen "Dirty Dancing" even though it was filmed in the county where he was raised. After the movie we went and got pizza at "Frank's Pizza". His choice. He hadn't had pizza since before we separated. There was no hanky-panky and we enjoyed just going out as friends. So stop being so hard on me, ya'll. I was mostly well-behaved. The movie started at dark and I went home by 11:00. Golf already gave me a hard time. And so did my mother. And my sister. And my brother. And my sister-in-law. I am not telling anyone else. That would just be asking for a hard time.
On Saturday, the sister, S and I went to meet her old friend and a few of his friends. The plan was to go to White Rocks and I was going to leave because I didn't want to spend the night. We got there A LOT later than anticipated. That's why you don't let out-of-towners take the lead when you already know how to get somewhere. There was a guy there that was a bit of a cutie, though. At least I thought so. S totally disagreed. I am glad we have different tastes now. There would be nothing worse than both of us liking the same guy...again. Anyway, S didn't end up wanting to spend the night either so we both left around midnight and drove the hour and a half home. I was exhausted by last night.

Sam's new look!

So I brought S to work today to introduce her to my coworkers. I felt just like an elementary school student who has her parents eat lunch in the school cafeteria. Fun! I only wished I could take credit for her cool new hair, but she did the cut herself and all I did was the color. It's nice having others to make up so that I can give my own hair a little time to grow out.

I know I am supposed to be giving full accounts of all my dating adventures, but I haven't had a single date in WEEKS!! Thank goodness. It's been the most pleasant hiatus for me. I don't miss it at all. So I am in a total crisis mode about my weekend. I have not a single plan and my daughter and sister are both going out of town. Golf has a golf tournament at Bridgewater College and the ex has invited me to see his band play at Cornerstone. It's ever so much more tempting when I have nothing to do, but seeing as I have no one to accompany me, I am not too worried that I will succumb. I do not like going to bars. I really would be uncomfortable without a close friend. I suppose I will have to actually tackle my boring filing that I have been putting off for months. sigh. It'll be good to get more organized!!

staying up late

It's almost 1:00 am. I don't know why I haven't gone to bed yet! I just deleted my online dating subscription. I really don't like the way I feel looking at people I don't know and trying to decide who's worth "flirting" with and who isn't. It's not for me. I don't like being checked out that way either. I would rather just find friends now. I am tired of dating. Did I tell you lately how cool Golf is? And Korea is also very cool. The ex is no longer cool. I don't like how I feel about myself when I am with him. That's no longer acceptable to me. Watching my sister go through this separation and possible divorce is teaching me a lot about myself. I don't want her to settle or be miserable and there are people who care about me that way. I simply refuse to ignore their good advice any longer. I don't know why people are so stubborn. And when I say "people", I mean ME! I am hoping for some serious personal growth. ahhhh!!! what did I just say? I didn't mean it. I can't handle serious growth really. I just want an itty bitty amount of growth at a time. I just want it to be a gentle slope towards emotional health. No life changing experiences need apply. I have had enough of those.
This posting is lame. I am boring myself. And getting on my own nerves. I can't believe there are people who might actually read all my ramblings. I love you for it though. It's nice to imagine that you are heard. I love reading other people's blogs!
cha-cha-gigi, I hope you are done with your time off now.

OK, it could be a change in dynamics

Well my mother was upset with me because I haven't been writing her diligently. I am such a bad daughter. The truth is that I am spreading myself out a little too thin. Starting school up again is hard on me. It'll take a couple weeks to adjust to being the full time teacher, mother, sister, and employee that I am now expected to be. The good news is that I realize I am fully capable of it and I just have to be patient with myself.
So the redneck really ended his chances of being just friends with me this week. I don't like pushy people and expecially don't like someone pushing themselves on me. I like flirting when it's casual but I don't like serious committment talk early on. ick. I had to be a lot more blunt and it felt mean, but the result was good. No more unwanted contact. I guess I need to go into details for those who are unfamiliar with the whole story. He called me to ask if we could still be friends and I said "ok". Then he called the next night and I didn't answer the phone and he left a message about this weekend. The next morning he texted me that he wanted to have lunch. We met at Wendy's and during lunch he wanted to know if the dating option could be left open. I was so uncomfortable and I said "ok" even though I should have said "no". When I got back to work there was another dozen roses and that just pushed me into "freak-out" mode. I ignored them and there was no card, but later that day he texted me again with "hope you're having a floral day". I still did not reply. The next morning he texted with "hope I wasn't too forward yesterday, I just wanted you to know I feel". That's when I went for the blunt reply. I texted back and said "honestly I was very uncomfortable. you put me on the spot. I don't want to be more than friends." And I haven't heard a word since.
I didn't go to the ex's show this week like he wanted me to. He came by the house Wednesday night and it was just hard for me. I planned to go see his show with Golf but then S and Golf talked me out of it and I was protected from what was sure to be an evening of misery. It is nice to have good friends who love you. I am lucky. The ex called me at work the next morning wanting to know what happened to me. I played it cool. I am getting a little annoyed with his lack of compassion for what he's put me through. That could be the best thing that's happened to me in a long time! Annoyance is major with me. It marks the end of a relationship as far as I am concerned. Or at the very least, a change in dynamics.

Hollywood Moment

Here's E and S at Hollywood's in Roanoke. It's a great little restaurant in Roanoke. Ellie saw a picture of a farmer milking a cow. She looked at it and I said "What do you think of that picture?" She replied "it's a veterinarian and he's getting the cow to pee in a cup, right?" Ha ha ha ha. She's a bit of a city slicker, eh?
It was a fun family gathering. It's way cool having S back in town. I think we are adjusting pretty well to one another. Ellie had a good night last night and a good morning today so maybe the worst is behind me.
I have got to get a good digital camera. These camera phone images are really awful. sorry.

Golf at Lunch

Nothing interesting today, I don't know why you are checking

Dating, as I had known it in the summertime has officially disappeared. It has been replaced with gentle friendships and not-so-gentle temper-tantrums. The friendships are mine and the tantrums are E's. I am hoping that things with her will improve as she adjusts to her new school schedule. This starts a new season for me. Now that S is living with me and E is back at home, I am missing my alone time more than ever. I started teaching early morning seminary again yesterday. I have a really great class with 3 students. I am certain that they will be teaching me much more than I can teach them. Getting up an hour earlier is no big deal, but getting E up at all is always a big deal. She is such a night owl but she gets so grumpy in the mornings.
Yesterday I got a call from Redneck just before seminary started. That's before 7am for those that need specifics. He wanted to talk so I told him I would call him after work. I was glad to speak with him because I had missed him this last week, but I didn't feel like it would be fair to pull the "let's just be friends" line because I know he wants more than that. Anyway, that is exactly what he asked for and I am more than happy to oblige. I do want to follow my mother's advice to cultivate friendships. Today I will eat lunch with Golf. He'll be going to school right nextdoor to the courthouse where I work. It'll be nice to have a little company to go with my PB&J. And poor Korea has been reading my blog. There is no telling what he thinks about all my dating diaries, but he hasn't totally given up on me and so there is still hope for him. I introduced my sister, S to my neighbors last night. It wasn't long before she got her first post-separation dinner invitation. The guy was at least twice her age. It'll be fun to have a commiserating partner. The neighbor who asks me out all the time was supposed to replace me with her, but it didn't take apparently because now he is pressuring her to bring me around more often. It's no wonder I avoided neighborliness all summer. I am going to put in this picture of an officer who came in the office today and made me laugh. Thank goodness for a good sense of humor. I know I need it.

Sister in Virginia

Look it's S! We picked her up from the airport quite successfully except for one broken flip-flop. Can you see her hairdo? It's short everywhere except in the very front. She is now being sent to her bed for some much needed rest and I am going to bed too!

Saturday morning with a mother and daughter

It's the start of a brand new day! Those of you who were very upset about yesterday's posting had every right and I apologize for the picture of the ex and the comments that accompanied it. The one who called me on it (you know who you are) motivated me to leave yet another message for him. This basically said "please don't call me anymore, I really meant what I said about not being able to handle being "just friends" and it's not fair for you to ignore my request."
Maybe this time it will take. I am getting ready to go pick up my sister S from the airport in Raleigh. It's a 3 hour drive so Ellie is packing snacks in this picture. She picked out a plain tortilla and some chocolate chips!! She is a sweetie normally. Yesterday just as Golf arrived to watch a movie with us, she threw the most colossally embarrassing fit on the sidewalk in front of all the neighbors and Golf. I was mortified, but that's parenthood.

Mind Battles

Here's the ex in all his glory. I still think he is beautiful. This picture is from his band website. There are several more on there if you go to code11entertains.com
It's just sad how many times I have looked at that site to see pictures of him since we got separated. I found that the more I fought my feelings, the worse I felt. So now I can see pictures and talk to him without getting as upset about it. There is no way around things like this. You just barrel on through and it hurts but you grow.

Happy Friday!! I heard "Celebration Song" on my way to work today. I am pumped now to take some phone calls!! Ha ha ha. jobs are jobs. I had such a toasty night last night. I got my baby girl into bed and put my phone on silent mode and caught up on some much needed zzzzz's. I love getting a good night's sleep. Well my little sister is now going through a separation with her husband. I always said I would rather go through it myself than have to see someone I love go through it. I am sure she will handle everything marvelously, but that doesn't mean it will be easy for her or anything. They say that divorce is like experiencing the death of a loved one. I agree. You go through all the stages of grief: anger, denial, acceptance, grief, and whatever else there is over and over in any kind of order. Those that know and love S need to call her often and keep her in your prayers. I got a call from the ex last night. Just checking in and reporting. I am pleased to say that it didn't upset me and I was the one to say that I needed to go. This is progress, ya'll!!

I will probably have Golf over tonight. He wants to watch "Poseidan" with Ellie and I. No problem for me because I totally think Josh Lucas is the hottest leading man! mmmmm...yummy. And Golf has been a great friend ever since I first talked to him. My mother's most recent advice to me is "cultivate friends, you don't need a husband!". And I have been thinking it ever since...I am starting to feel it too!