no apologies necessary

Okay, the truth is that I have a hard time writing on my blog when I know certain people will be reading it. I am even considering keeping a private diary instead. This lets me know 2 things about myself. First, I am obviously not proud of all my dealings with men and second, I don't think things have been very funny lately. The only course of action I can take is to be brutally honest and bare my soul for all to see. This will not accomplish anything except for potentially burning some bridges with men who I am not committed to anyway.
So I kissed two guys in two days. The first guy I am gonna have to name Redneck because he is an admitted redneck and while I have known him my whole life and really respect him, I just am not feeling any kind of attraction to him. And the second guy is my ex-husband. Yes, that's what I said. Now don't go all crazy and start calling me. Both kisses were just pecks and they were both pleasant enough but didn't have any kind of deep meaning. The thing that I learned from kissing the ex is that I am not really ready to move on to anyone else seriously at this point. I just haven't the heart. I still have really strong feelings for him. Not that everyone who really knows me didn't already know that, but I just have to say it. I made a seriously hard choice a few weeks ago and told him not to call or visit me anymore because I was trying so hard to get over him. The result of that e-mail was that the ex started calling me more and now I am less over him than I was before. It would stand to reason then that the solution is to ask him to visit me and call me more and then I won't hear from him at all. The problem with that is that it would make me feel like a bigger loser than I already do. I have realized that I need to end the tiny start of a relationship I have with the redneck because I can't feel for him what he deserves a girl to feel for him. I mourn this loss because I just know he would make a fabulous husband to some lucky girl, but it won't be me and that's sad when you don't have any decent prospects left. It's the only option because it is the right and honest thing to do and I can't lead on someone whose family I have known my whole life knowing full well that I am not attracted to the guy. sad sad.
The worst thing is that I really want to kiss the ex again. bad me. sad me.