break-ups and trust issues

We’ve all been known to use the ‘let someone down easy’ break-up lines. Sometimes we even convince ourselves that they are true. “It’s not you, it’s me” or “I don’t know what I want right now and that’s not fair to you” or heaven help us all, “you’ll find someone that’s better for you”. I am a little bitter today. I am old and bitter. I feel like, so last-season!! Seriously. I would like a little more honesty. How about, “You are boring to me now” or “Other women are just more interesting to me”, or “I need a little more drama in my life”!! That I would believe because that is the truth. I don’t like dating. It is just uncomfortable. Marriage is so much better. And I have had the crappiest of marriages so I should know. First dates are awkward. It takes a really long time to get comfortable with someone and then you realize that the person isn’t at all what you had hoped for. Almost every date you go on will end with a sad or unpleasant break-up and the only thing you’ll have to show for it will be wasted time and more disappointment. And it’s always embarrassing to admit that you were wrong about someone. Again. I understand people who give up on dating altogether. I know I won’t be that person. I like men and flirting way too much. But the truth is, I lack faith. I doubt that I will find someone I like better. I doubt I will be as comfortable with someone else. I doubt I will find someone who challenges me intellectually and I really doubt I will find someone my daughter likes half so much. It’s easier for me to have faith in God when it doesn’t involve trusting other people as well.

making the rounds

So I got dumped today. Not totally dumped, more like put on the back burner. But emotionally, it's all the same thing. The person who I love doesn't love me the same way. It's just this sort of thing that made me give up crying in the first place and it gives me such a headache to hold back all these tears. Feeling the pain is what makes us special. It is a refiner's fire. I don't like it, but I trust that I will be ok.
The really sucky thing is that I absolutely can't give Golf up as a friend. He's been my best friend much longer than we dated. I appreciate his honesty. My ego is pretty messed up though. Call me sensitive, but I don't like rejection much.

Musings on life and marriage

My dad told me recently that life isn’t really made of hills and valleys, but is more like the two rails of a railroad track. The one rail is our trials and the other rail is our blessings. There is never a time in our lives where we don’t have both rails beneath us. I have been thinking about this regarding marriage lately. That’s only natural since I am goo-goo-crazy in love these days.
What are the motivations for getting married verses staying single? I should know this one, right? I should be an expert on relationships (no one believes that, I hope). The truth is, I only know my own experiences and I can only view my new experiences through the lens of my past. People name all sorts of trials in marriage; financial problems, sexual problems, personality conflicts, religious conflicts, health problems, child issues, and so on. I have experienced all of those things. The way I see it, those are just day-to-day issues we must all deal with at some point. I think one must consider what their expectations are in marriage. If you expect that joining up with your love will be the end of all of your trials, then you will surely be disappointed. If, on the other hand, you see your spouse as someone who needs your support get through THEIR trials and who can in turn keep you company through yours, then you can expect to be satisfied with the marriage. You should treat your spouse like you would treat your best friend. The relationship should be thought of like any other family relationship. Permanent, no matter what the other person does. And last but not least, our happiness is our own responsibility. My dad gave me a quote by Samuel Johnson, “He who has so little knowledge of human nature as to seek happiness by changing anything but his own disposition will waste his life in fruitless efforts.”
Boom. That is simple enough.

Going Red

Golf and I had a great weekend camping up on Skyline Drive. It was so beautiful. I really need to get a digital camera. We took a few pictures with my disposable camera, but it'll be weeks before those get developed. I let him dye my hair last night. It's one of these temporary dyes, but I might go permanent. It's fun to change colors once in a while. I have to say that I was worried since I let S pick the color on Golf's instructions. Next time we're dying Golf's hair and I get to pick the color! So I thought that spending so much time with Golf would be a little dangerous. I thought we would get on each other's nerves a little bit, but he is just so funny and good to me that I am more smitten now than ever. It bodes very well for us.
I only wish that my daughter could have been there with us. There were 6 or 8 kids there with our group and she would've had a blast. The only trouble with the trip was the temperature. It was freezing cold and we were not adequately prepared for sleeping. I am going to invest in a good air mattress and a 20degree sleeping bag for next time. I probably only got 4 hours of total sleep both nights combined. I am surprised that I am even functional now!!

And the new facts are...

OK, so now I am posting in real time after a delayed posting that I forgot I had written. This Sunday will actually mark my first monthiversary with Golf. We defined our relationship as exclusive, but I am still insecure about it 25% of the time. I suppose this stems from my being burned so badly in my last relationship. This weekend is a big step for me. I am going on a weekend campout with Golf and his mother and a bunch of her friends and family. I am super excited about it. And I am nervous to the point of nausea but don't tell him I said that.
Meeting mothers is tough business. Mothers can be entirely awesome, but it's always a bit of a gamble. I have had two past mother-in-laws. When it comes down to it, I ended up liking them better than their sons. They were awesome women and they had a common flaw...they spoiled their sons rotten and raised them into complete ego-maniacs. I don't really know if it was their fault though. My daughter can be somewhat of an ego-maniac too. I swear she was born that way.
Dating is weird. I love it, but it also makes me feel half-insane. I am not getting nearly as much sleep as I need. I only feel truly happy when he is around, and I pretty much have lost interest in all other activities. It seems more like I am bi-polar than in love. Plus I know how annoying it must be to all those who have to be around us. Smooching and giggling like middle-schoolers even though we're old. It's certain to be distasteful to 87.983% of the population. I will have to get a picture of us together for my old blog-site.