My Sweet, Wonderful, Baby Girl

Tractor Ride

My daughter is having a great time visiting my sister in Alabama. I just loved this picture she emailed me today. I miss her so much when she is not here! It is nice to see that she is having fun and creating memories with her extended family. Children should have plenty of positive role models in their lives besides their parents...or maybe in spite of their parents. I am so happy that my daughter gets to spend time with aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, and friends! A healthy social network is important for our overall happiness. I didn't get to know any of my extended family growing up. They all lived on the west coast and we grew up in VA. I have gotten to know some of them since I grew up, but I don't think it's the same as having someone know you as a child.

Bittersweet Blessings

I just had the most awful dream...that'll teach me to take an afternoon nap, right? In my defense I have been on the road since Friday afternoon. I drove about 28 hours total. I was good and tired. I think there is construction going on in the next door apartment. I kept getting awakened by drilling and hammering noises. Oddly though, I woke myself up by a sad dream that had me sobbing and the emotion was powerful enough to break through that sleep paralysis and I was unable to breathe...totally weird, man.
So, I had two purposes for all this driving. The first was that I transported my daughter down to my sister's house...she had been with her dad and I missed her! The second was to see Mr. Korea one last time. He wanted to come here to see me, but that would have been a logistical nightmare and it gave me a good excuse to take some vacation time from work.
We got together Sunday night around 10:30. I was staying with one of his friends from church and he met me at her place. We took a nice walk, had a nice talk, had our first kiss, and just enjoyed being together. I went in before it got too late and had a restless night. I was starving in the morning and so he arranged to come and get me and we went back to Ft. Bragg so he could formally clear out of his room. First he bought me some milk and cereal to squash my hunger pains. I enjoyed seeing how he'd been living and we had lots more good conversation. The special thing about this guy is that I can tell him what I am really thinking and he doesn't judge me or jump to any wild emotional conclusions. Basically, he thinks like me.
We headed to the army museum but it was closed on Mondays, so we went downtown and saw a small photo gallery before stopping at the "Blue Moon Cafe" for lunch. Their grill was down but the food was still good. I had a very healthy and tasty veggie wrap. He got a little personal pizza. We tried to find a card game called quiddler but it was only available online. We discovered that after fruitless trips to Wal-mart and Toys-R-Us. Finally we threw in the proverbial towel and went back to his friend's apartment. He discovered a book on color personality types and we took the tests...I turned out yellow blue and he turned out white blue for those who have a clue what that means. It was fun and I got a foot massage out of it too!
We left to catch a matinee and chose "Ice Age 2". That was a mistake, it's not nearly as good as the first one and we left before it ended and went to Barnes&Noble. I got a yoga DVD I had been looking for and we listened to the sample music of each other's favorite songs...or he listened to mine at least. He couldn't find his favorites on the sampler...thus my music is apparently a lot more mainstream than his. We then gave up on creativity and just sat and talked in the coffee-shop until dinner-time. We ate at a mexican cantina grill....mmmmm....good food! His friend met us there. If you can judge a person by the quality of his friends, then I have nothing to worry about with this guy. His friends were really funny and cool...just like him.
We met back up with his friends at the apartment after dinner and we didn't stay up too late...He had to be at the airport this morning at 6am. I fell asleep right away and morning came much too quickly. I was sorry to see him go. It was such a gloomy, rainy morning anyway. The weekend ended with just a sweet goodbye kiss and now we've got a year to figure out where this will go. I am glad I went. It was worth the trip.
Tomorrow will be back to the daily grind...That'll be good.

changing seasons

One of my sisters and I have been discussing the seasonality of our lives. I base my theories on the section of Ecclesiastes that the Byrds quote from in the song "To every season, turn, turn, turn." It's Chapter 3:
"To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
A time be be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace."
Oh my goodness, that is just so beautiful and deep.
The reason I mention it is that I feel I am starting a new time in my life. A good and hopeful time. I really have used these verses as a comfort to me in what I recognized as a hard season. And one of my sisters (if not all of my sisters, come to think of it...) is having a bit of a hard season too. Sometimes we compare our hard seasons to the good seasons of others and that can be frustrating. I think if we know there is a spring coming after the winter, then we recognize that our trials are temporary and that the bitter snows can help create the beautiful gardens.
Amen

The Big Old Family

Do you think I really cared who won the kickball game?

Well kickball really should be the american past-time. It's so much easier than baseball and everyone can participate. I am so grimy right now...I gotta hit the shower but I wanted to post this other picture first...I gotta go!

Mr. headed to Korea

Here he is!! Not only is he adorable, but he is technologically skilled enough that he pix- messaged these to me on my phone!! The last couple of days have been really fun. I am admittedly still in the infatuation phase of the relationship, but I see no reason to not live it up!! I have enjoyed several good phone conversations in the last few days and my mind has been eased about future possibilities. I like possibilities. Tonight I am going to play kickball in the 90 deg. weather. I guess I should bring water, eh? I will try to blog more later. Yes, I use blog as a verb now.

This is my daughter Christmas '04...nothing to do with today's writing but isn't she cute?!

Today started out pretty bad for some reason. I think I was hormonal or something. I wasn't grumpy, but someone on the phone about made me cry and I am never that sensitive...especially at work. He gave me his name and asked for a coworker and so I asked him which case he was calling about. His response was "I want to speak to so and so, and who is this?!!...I didn't think I would be cross-examined!!!" I just said "wow, ok, hold on". It upset me though. Some days you just feel beat on. Luckily my sister, Sam called me over lunch. I told her about my date and it cheered me right up!! I came back from lunch to a great e-mail from him and it was sunny skies from there on out! Amazing. Sometimes you just want to be noticed and appreciated. I wanna hug people today!! OK, sorry. I am getting on my own nerves here.
Speaking of getting on nerves. I went to a scripture study group with the singles ward. I brought my non-mormon friend Dennis along. We took turns reading and when the discussion started, this one guy kept arguing about stuff and wouldn't shut-up. I was so annoyed. It reminded me exactly of this kid I grew up with. His name was Kevin and we just argued all through Sunday school and seminary. The difference now is that I feel really bad about getting so upset with this guy. I had to apologize to Dennis for letting myself get worked up over it. Man. It took me straight back in time. You always think you've outgrown certain weaknesses. I hate to see mine pop up again. Dad...if you read this...I am sorry that I argued with Kevin in seminary all the time! Don't worry though. I am getting my just rewards now that I teach my own class! Karma, man.

I hope it won't be the final chapter...I want a picture!

I don't remember where I left off from my last entry but I am so so sad that my date is going to Korea. So so sad...
My coworker thinks I only go after unavailable men. Maybe that is why the date went so well. We both knew it couldn't possibly go anywhere.
We went to a public park with a lake. It advertised paddle boats but we found they no longer rented them once we got there. We went to a bridge over the water where he provided us each with a roll of pennies. The purpose was to throw all the pennies into the water, but we each had to say a wish or something we liked or ask a question of the other. It made for great "getting to know you" conversation. I thought it was very clever. We spoke of our 3 favorite people in the world, what we would change about ourselves, our favorite period in our lives, what we'd do with a million dollars, etc.
When asked the animal that he was most like or would most like to be, he said sloth. I have already forgotten what I said I was most like, but I said I would like to be a dolphin. He thought I was most like a giraffe. Tall, skinny, blonde, gentle, but strong....mmmmmm...good answer!
We found a pizza grill for dinner. It was a bit of a dive, but memorable. He kept batting his eyelashes at me over dinner. That was our time to talk about why we had gone out and what would happen next. We communicate well...it's easy because our personalities are so similar. I am even more upset about losing touch with him today than I was yesterday. He did email me yesterday and wants to keep in touch but neither one of us can make any promises or expect any in return.
After dinner the conversation turned to physical attraction and we both agreed that if it were the right thing to do, we would definitely enjoy some bonding in that area, but it would only make things harder. I gotta say.. mmmmmmm...
ce' la vie!

Exasperating!

I had the most wonderful date with the most wonderful guy! Of course he is going to Korea and doubts very much that he will stay in touch the full year based on only one day's fun! That is a very honest statement as I am sure I will lose momentum and stop emailing him too. I almost didn't go on the date because I got really excited about a guy in Charlottesville from the singles site I am on. We had a great time e-mailing and IM-ing this week. Once I spoke to him on the phone though I knew it would have to be a no-go. Thank goodness I didn't cancel with the North Carolina cutie-pie. My date met me and we first went to a flea-market at the Greensboro Coliseum. He hadn't had lunch so he asked the old ladies at the entrance if there were any snack vendors. He had those women tripping over their own feet to help him...he really is adorable. Tall, dark, and handsome. He has a 5 o'clock shadow by noon and these deep set hazel eyes framed by curly black lashes....mmmmmm. Anyway, I digress.
So all he found to eat was a small loaf of yeast rolls. I had the foresight to pack PB&J and an apple that I ate on the drive down. After we browsed the wares we agreed that neither one of us was particularly interested in trinkets and we didn't care much for shopping so we headed to the visitor's center for some more schmoozing with old ladies. Turned out the lady was quite helpful and provided us a map with directions to the Greensboro Museum. We parked near a graveyard with "no trespassing" signs and that was a bummer because we both love graveyards. The museum was fun. There was nothing really amazing or museum-worthy in it. Just historical, sentimental stuff. I did enjoy some room exhibits that showed examples of interior design in the 19th century. My date and I batted witty comments back and forth over the exhibits. He challenged me most excellently. He is embarrassed about his job. He's a cook in the army. I know the feeling. I am a secretary/receptionist. We're both underutilizing our talents so far as jobs. His job sounds way worse than mine...I am sure the pay is better though. We walked around the downtown area and I embarrassed him frequently by telling him he was hot, but pretty hairy. I then had to show him my long second toe so he would know that I wasn't perfect either!! I had no indication of whether he thought I was cute at this point, but the body language was pretty clear. He was not disappointed by my in-person persona. I have to get ready for church so I will have to continue this entry later...I may actually put a hard copy in a journal somewhere....I mean, it was a 6-hour date and I am feeling that I don't want to lose any memory from it!
what a sentimental schmuck I am...

Weekend Anticipation

So tomorrow I have a date with a guy I have been emailing for a couple weeks. I am pretty excited about it even though I know he's heading to Korea in 2 weeks for a year. He's in the army. I think most of the fun of dating comes from the anticipation and the high expectations. It is part of the wonder of the human spirit that we keep hoping for the best no matter how many times we've been let down. I would never want to have everything that I want. I would miss the daydreaming about what it might be like. Anyone who's ever accomplished a major dream knows that they aren't truly satisfied until they have a new dream. Maybe that is why I really like religion. The focus is on things which you really cannot fully accomplish in this life. It's all about the anticipation of a really great after-life.
The guy I will be going out with is someone I scoped out at a dance. I noticed him because he really looked fun and he was attractive. We didn't speak but I had a friend get his e-mail address for me. I have never used a friend like that before. I usually have the guts to handle my own love affairs. I think the difference now is that I feel very insecure about being twice-divorced...I felt insecure being once divorced but it's more of an exponential difference than a matter of simple addition. I have a friend who is going through his first divorce at 40. He described it as a nasty film that you just can't scrub off! I thought that was apro po.

I am the second to the left in this photo. I am a freshman at the time. Notice that I have the largest feet and that my legs are way up there but I am a full head shorter. But I was dang cute.

Movie Night Madness

I really like the singles ward...that is a congregation of mormons who are all single and under 31. I am the grandmother figure in the group. My friends there are almost all 18. They are way fun. We had a lot of chocolate in the room so you could feel the love. I don't know what the neighbors thought of all the frisbee in the street but it wasn't too late so I am sure it's all good. The guy to gal ratio was pretty good. We had 5 girls and 3 boys. Tomorrow is a pool party. I am always interested in pool parties. If people actually show up it will be cool.
I talked to my NC boy to plan our Saturday date. He is very clever and funny but I can't read him at all. I am sure he's equally skeptical about us going somewhere considering our circumstances but you never know. I am going to see if I got any bites on the online dating site. I hope so! Then again, I really ought to go to bed now instead.

Photo of cooler sister, Sam, as promised!

She is just so cool...the guitar really sets it off, although she is wearing her comfy grungies on this day, normally she would be dressed funkier. She lives in Salt Lake City now. Leave her alone though because she likes to be a little scary. I think her hair is black now.

Random Bluesy Days

Today I am feeling quite ordinary. Kind of like an outfit that you've owned for enough years that it feels like it may be part of your skin. I don't need to feel glamorous but I hate feeling ordinary. My sister Samantha has a cool look. She is just unique looking and then she adds wild hairstyles and clothes to it and she is striking. I will never be striking but usually I at least feel pleasant. Why is it we wake up in bad moods some days? I work in an attorneys' office. Today someone said that a guy should just be happy not to be in jail. That'll work for me too. I am happy that I am not in jail. Or worse...still married to husband #1. I will try to upload a picture of her later.

Ex-husbands are big poop heads!

This is a special posting just for Jared. He's my 2nd husband and my favorite husband. I really don't like the 1st husband and I am really not quite over the 2nd. He is worth well over $500 in cash. Maybe even more, but I don't want to be overly generous in public. If he can get the address right he might even look at my blog. Jared is a really great cyclist and a really great cop. He is a great lead singer in a band. Kind of a crappy husband but you can't have everything. One day he came home and said he wasn't going to be miserable and I needed to find a new home. I guess they were related but it still makes me cry just to think about it. Give me a minute. Ok, I just remembered that I gave up crying so I won't. I will instead start to be really mean and sarcastic. Hope no one is watching. I hate to be mean.
Jared is mean but he doesn't mean it. His heart is good but he tries to ignore it when he can.

There were 10 years between my oldest sister and my youngest. I am the 2nd from right. We were very loud and chaotic in my house. We still are when we all get together. It's a huge competition to get some attention when the gang's all there.

This is another shot of me at 14. I am with my then 15-yr old brother Jeremy. We were hot.
His wife taught me to be a blogger. I am eternally indebted. Now she wants to set me up with someone she was friends with at this age! Maybe she'll give him my blog address and he'll be so impressed he'll wanna meet me. Don't you just love a blind date candidate. So exciting!

I am really trying to figure out how to put this on as my profile shot...I think my expression matches my feelings. I am trying to be upset but I just can't take myself seriously.

This is me at 14. My legs were done growing but the rest of me still had some catching up to do. I grew 4 more inches in high school.

Careful, my blog bites!

I am starting with a bit of an introduction to myself. I am 29 and mormon and twice divorced. It's no way to start a life. I consider 29 just starting. And I have no idea where I will end up. I just hope it won't be 39 and 5 times divorced. I don't think the odds look good for me. Maybe I shouldn't say I am mormon because I don't want people to get the wrong impression of mormons because of me. I love being mormon and I loved being married. And at least I am still mormon. I have been looking for true love. I admit that I think I am pretty. Sorry to quote a country song right off the bat, but "I may not be a 10, but the boys say I clean up good!".
When I was 17 I found out my cousin was pregnant. She is a month younger than me. I always envied her because she got so much attention from boys and I was quite late on the developmental timeline. Then I was grateful that boys didn't pay attention. Now they pay attention to me, but it's always the wrong kind of boy. That's one of my problems now. I don't have what it takes to be a trophy wife. I have very strong opinions and I think arguing is a way to show affection. That's how I ended up this way.
I want to use this as an outlet for all the sad, happy, funny, and embarrassing things that happen to me as I search for true love. If anyone else enjoys reading it, then I know they've been there too.
I decided to try online dating. I live in Virginia and mormons are scarce. The first message I received asked me if I was a good cook. I don't know his first name yet. Does that seem out of order to anyone else? He also said his daughter is looking for a mother. I doubt she's the only one in the family who needs a mother but that wouldn't be polite small talk for a first e-date.
I traveled 3 hours just to go to a mormon dance two weeks ago. It was my second time in only 2 months. Desperate times call for desperate measures. I met a guy who wanted to know what I looked for in a guy. I look for a guy whose breath doesn't asphixiate me within the first 15 seconds of a dance. He gave me his e-mail. shudder.
The one guy that I thought had promise is 5 years younger than me and is about to leave for a year in Korea. That's good timing. We're going to meet up this weekend. He lives 4 hours away but is willing to meet me half-way. I think it'll last 3 maybe 4 days after the one-on-one meeting. Tomorrow I am going to a movie night with some single mormons in my area. We are watching "Finding Nemo" and having snacks. The last movie night ended with some guy getting my number from a 17-yr old friend who couldn't have known better. He was nice but when I didn't call him back from the first message, he went ahead and asked me out on the second. I have decided to be less friendly tomorrow. At least with the boys.