work is hard sometimes

Some days you really want to say "Take this job and shove it" only because you are so overworked and underpaid. I really should be thankful to have such a good job. I am lucky to be here and lucky to have great benefits and lucky to work with good people and lucky to work great hours. Ok, I feel better.
This morning in my seminary class we were studying the commandment to keep records and so I shared some things from my middle and high school journals with the students. Apparently it was much too interesting for them because the rest of the lesson was shot. I have never seen them so interested in reading. Why is it that they can "feast" on my silly words just to find a little dirt on me, but they don't have "time" to study the scriptures...which are essentially journals! Ah me.
Well, I have been having a fun time with a long distance flirt named Justin. I can use his name since he lives way out west. Justin is one of Sam's friends. They worked together for a while. He is all good...except for the whole "Never will meet him because he lives too far away" thing. But he tells me I am beautiful and I really want to believe him. Girls are girls and we never truly let go of our fairy tale dreams.

It's been a long time since I have been on a date. I went on one over Thanksgiving...well technically I went on two dates with the same guy. I will call him Baltimore. He was very nice and very mormon and a divorcee with 2 little girls. His girls were SOOOOO cute. He wasn't much to look at though. He was alright, but he lives up in Buffalo (I was up there visiting family). I wasn't attracted to him at all. Not intellectually or physically. Since then I have pretty much just hung out with Golf..as friends and just fantasized that maybe we'll get back together. How lame am I? I have decided that I need to take some serious action if I expect to ever find an appropriate man. My plan is to move away to Arizona in the summer. I have a couple aunts and my grandmother and a bunch of cousins and two best friends there. There are 2 things that need to happen for me to go. First I have to get permission from Ellie's dad to move her out of the state and second I need to find a job that pays enough to cover the cost of living out there. Yesterday I asked my boss to promote me from a regular secretary to a legal secretary. It was terrifying, but I have been wanting to ask for months and I figured that since yesterday was my 1 year anniversary of working for him, it would be as good a time as any. He will have to talk to the county administrator about it. The county administrator is a friend of mine, but that is no guarantee that he'll approve it. Today I got a lot of shopping done. My goal is to finish it in time to actually enjoy the rest of the Christmas season. I am excited to have Ellie this year. I also invited a good friend to join us on Christmas morning so that will make it even better. Today is the ex's birthday. I forgot all about it until I was talking to him and he mentioned it!! My friend is having her 6th baby today too!! What an amazing family they have!! Sorry this is so disjointed. I am just not focused on any one thought today. Tonight for a ward activity we are watching "Cars" on blankets in the gym at the church. woo-hoo. It's be fun just because I have the night off from being a mommy. Give a kiss to your mother.

A New Date

I went on a first date this weekend. I did the inviting and it turned out quite well. He's a 22 year old cutie from Lynchburg. The only problem with him is that he's planning to go on a mission so he'll only be around for a couple of months. I discovered a new favorite restaurant called Tokyo here in Roanoke. Their Sushi is amazing and it had a quiet and classy feel. It was a very nice dinner. We planned to attend a little mormon dance afterwards, but were disappointed to find that the sound equipment didn't make it and there was a group playing pictionary at the church instead. We tried to save the night with satellite stereo from a truck in the parking lot, but with only 7 people and freezing weather, we had to throw in the towel before 10pm. We had a nice phone conversation on my drive home and overall I think it was good for me. Maybe I will get a second date out of it, but I am not holding my breath.

More Childhood Memories

My Mom said I was a real monkey as a small child. We had a piano and apparently I liked to climb to the top of it…it was one of the tall pianos. I also learned how to go across the monkey bars quite young and I still remember sitting on the top of them. They were wooden monkey bars and I was upset that we couldn’t take them with us when we moved to Christiansburg while I was in Kindergarten. I was a very happy child. I loved playing outside and playing with other children. I enjoyed drawing and had quite a talent for it. I was constantly singing songs that I would make up on the spot and my parents say I have always been the most affectionate of all their children. I was also the girliest girl in my family. I loved playing with Barbies and talking about boys. My brother spotted me kissing a little boy on the cheek on the school bus. I still catch grief about that. I believed in romantic fairy tales and happily ever after. My dream was to get married and raise bunches of kids. Somewhere in between all the diapers and homework, I was also anticipating romantic moonlit walks after glorious masquerade balls.

My siblings were ruthless in their incessant teasing about what a sissy I was. It was not cool to be girly in my family despite the ratio of 5 girls to 2 boys. In hindsight, it was quite odd. My mother is not the Barbie type. She didn’t like to dress up and she didn’t wear much make-up or style her hair. She was a little bit granola and I became aware of her fashion faux-pas by the ripe old age of four. The eighties were all about clothes and we were a hand-me-down family. We used to get large garbage bags full of clothing from families in our church. It was like shopping to us since we never went to a store to buy anything new. I always hoped that there would be something fabulous to fit me, but generally we just wore what we could. I am still grateful for a few friends who were bigger than me and had a little style!

I have a vivid recollection of being in the third grade and going into the restroom. While I was in the stall, some other girls from my class came in and one girl was making fun of another girl because her socks didn’t match her outfit. I was painfully aware that I didn’t have the right clothes. You would think that girl would have grown up to be all snobby, but now she is one of the nicest people I know. It affects the way I feel about dressing my own daughter for school. I don’t want her to feel ashamed of the way she dresses like I did.

I tried to hide the way I really felt inside all through elementary school. I pretended to hate boys and for years I wouldn’t wear a dress or skirt to anything other than church. I was athletic and a fast runner and very competitive. I was also a good gymnast. My dad seemed to be impressed by athletic endeavors and so all of us kids tried to excel in sports. My mom was impressed by intellectual or creative endeavors and so we all took art pretty seriously. I was a bookworm. I loved reading and got lost in many a good book. I also enjoy bike riding along the street and saving my pennies to buy candy from the gas station at the end of our street. We lived in an excellent neighborhood with lots of other kids. It had a ballfield and a creek just through the woods in front of our house. I was protected from pretty much everything and my parents taught me independence and good values from the cradle on up.

childhood memories

I am in no mood to blog right now. I have been sealing up all my ramblings as of late. If I were to write what I am really thinking and feeling then everyone would start throwing tomatoes at me like a really bad comedy act. So instead of writing anything about what is going on now, I thought I would take a little trip down memory lane and blog about some of my childhood experiences. My earliest memories took place in Blacksburg VA at 102 Orchard View Lane. That is where my family lived when I was born. I was the 6th child but my first memory is the birth of the 7th when I was just over 2 years old. My mother was and is quite eccentric about certain things and she preferred to give birth to her children at home. It was 1979 and Blacksburg was no where near as liberal as California so even though she had her 4th child at home, my brother Jeremy and I were hospital babies. Sam was born at home. She was very purple when she was born and I remember that I left one of my dollies under my mom's bed but wasn't allowed to go and get her for a while. I recall the house being very dark and I have no idea what the actual layout of the house was because we moved out of it when I was only 5. I remember two bathrooms and lots of daddy-long leg spiders in one of them. I remember sharing the "playroom" with 4 other siblings and sleeping on these cool beds my dad made us from 2x4's. They were nestling beds with Sam's being the smallest and Casey's being the largest. When morning came they could all be pushed together. They probably weren't very comfortable. I think they just had slats on top that we laid foam padding over that could be rolled up and stowed away during the day. The playroom had a cupboard and each child had one shelf where we kept our toys. We were very poor in those days, but I had no idea and I was extremely happy and content. I had lots of playmates and we had a swingset with monkey bars and a very cool playhouse in the backyard. We also kept goats and chickens and that is where we got our milk and eggs. My mom baked her own bread. It was very hard and dark. She must've been so exhausted all the time. There are only 10 years between the oldest and the youngest child. My oldest sister was going on 8 years old when I was born. That's my daughter's age now. Very high maintainance. I can't imagine 5 more younger than her. My dad walked to VaTech from our house and we had a big white Volkswagon bus/van. It didn't have seatbelts or carpet in it. It was pretty torn up by the time we got rid of it some 15 years later!!

Give a kiss to your mother!!

I am back on the prowl, my friends!! Seriously. I am feeling good today. Yesterday I forced myself to e-flirt with this adorable boy who is way too young for me and I was shocked when he flirted back. That’s a “you go, girl!!” for me! I mean, he is getting ready to go on a mission so that’s totally just for fun. I also got this random message from my sister’s friend. He’s a nice Mormon boy who lives out west and is SERIOUSLY considering moving here of all places. Apparently he is interested in me because of my very cool younger sister. But I will take it. I told him that if he moved into our singles ward that I would having first dibs on dating him and he said that was a given! Ha ha ha ha…he’s probably a freak or weirdo, but it’s good for my ever-lovin’ ego just the same. My mother would advise me to cultivate friendships and not worry about finding love. My mother rocks!
Speaking of following good advice, I finally did. I told Golf that we couldn't be "just friends" for at least a month and we agreed not to talk on the phone, e-mail, text, or hang out for at least a month. It was really hard to do, but I felt so much better about myself afterwards. I regained my mojo.

I hate good advice!!

Seriously, I get good advice from people who love me and I just can't seem to follow it. Why am I so freakin masochistic anyway?! I wish I could take good advice. I just read a great quote that I am totally guilty of "“Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option”.
OK. I totally do that. Especially with Golf. What's my problem? Some times I think I am there. I mean, I had a great day yesterday. I was really on a spiritual high. Church was soooooooooo good. I was feeling completely fine. But today, not so much. "Rainy days and Mondays always bring me down".
I guess that is the problem. Or the fact that Golf just told me he may have other lunch plans with someone else. Ooh, that really burns me up. Did I mention that I am not nice!? I get mad about stuff like that. OK, technically I get hurt and then I get mad, but we don't have to talk about the getting hurt part because that is a given these days.
Yesterday my dad told me he was proud of the way I am living my life. That rocks!! I needed it too. But of course I still wonder how much of the chaos is my own fault. Like when I read that quote and saw myself. I need to take good advice. I want to take good advice. Mainly it just makes me feel guilty that I don't take the good advice. Sheesh. Seriously though, hearing the same good advice does keep it in my brain and eventually I have to follow it!! So keep it coming.
Just be patient with me. I am trying to be nicer...to myself, I mean!

raise your hand if you care!

OK, I have to whine. First, the rich attorney never even called so that's the first blow to my mojo. And second, Golf is now officially dating the 18 year old he dumped me for AND he still calls me as frequently as when we were dating. Am I asexual or something now? apparently yes. Golf texted me at work right after we had a nice lunch at the park and he was like, "I feel like I should tell you something" and then he tells me that he and the 18 year old are dating now and he thought I should know. Perhaps because I have been throwing myself at him verbally all week? Anyhoo, I got this weird feeling in my gut. Like someone had physically punched me in my stomach. I have to say, it bugs me a lot more because the girl is WAY nicer than me. Way nicer, do you see? I can't possibly be mad at her and I love him way too much to be mad at him so who do you suppose I am mad at? why, me, of course. I am such a sucker.
Ok enough whining. I am gonna have fun this weekend and somehow, someway find someone else worth flirting with!!!

Discovering the MOJO!!

I am currently waiting for a phone call from some guy who I don't remember meeting. Here's what happened: I was working and an attorney that I know called and before I passed him on to the other attorney he said he had a personal question. He said he has a friend who is also an attorney that works out of a different county and he wanted to go out with me if I was single. That is a total ego booster right there. Well I found out a few more details about the guy...his name and he's supposedly very successful financially, but I still have no clue what he is like. I asked my ex if he knew him because apparently he's got some downtown Roanoke connection and the ex said he's a nice guy but I probably wouldn't be attracted to him...well? Anyway so now he's supposed to call me at work to set up a lunch date. I am very curious to meet him...again apparently (how terrifying are first dates?) Should I go, should I not? what's the advice?

suggestions anyone?

Some days you just look at yourself and you are totally disgusted with your behavior. Most days though, you look at others and are totally disgusted with their behavior. Can we say projection? I was looking at someone else in a relationship and thinking, "wow, she was so much cooler when she wasn't dating him" and then I realized that I do that thing too. That thing where you are suddenly so overcome by your relationship that you lose your coolness and it kills the relationship. Yeah, that thing. So how does one fix this sort of a problem? Seriously, I have no idea. I could use a little guidance. Has anyone else been that person and overcome it? I need to know because I really can't spare any of my coolness. I barely have enough to survive as it is and that is getting worse as I get older. I don't even speak the same language as a lot of high-schoolers these days. Really.
I like myself when I am single better than I like myself when I am in a relationship. Maybe I just need to NEVER be in a relationship again. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. I kill me. I just have to not realize that I am in a relationship. Nothing to lose, you know? Help!!

where have all the flowers gone?

It's a seriously dumb question, right? I mean it's November and it's not even 30 degrees out there. The flowers will be back in the springtime. I was in a grumpy funk all day but no more. I refuse to pout one more day. I am thinking of planning some awesome, good-timing fun days. What I need to do is meet some new hotties. Preferrably mature mormon men, but I would settle for some simple flirting too at this juncture. My sister Candi thinks I need to move out of state. Like to Arizona or New York where I have family and could get a better job. Seriously, I am considering it. I don't think there is anything worthwhile keeping me here. No offense intended to any of my seriously wonderful, kind, amazing, and very good-looking friends intended, but I am OLD and I am POOR and I am LONELY. HERGOKULOOGIMAS!! I need to do something. There really must be something better out there for this crazy chica!!!

maturity and letting go...

I read this book about the trials of adolescent girls. I am a pyschology buff so I found it incredibly interesting but totally depressing. It's called Reviving Ophelia. It has this great definition of maturity that I like to read from time to time. I found this on page 256.
"Maturity involves:
-Being honest and true to oneself.
-Making decisions based on a conscious internal process.
-assuming responsibility for one's decisions.
-having healthy relationships with others.
-developing one's own true gifts.
-thinking about one's environment and deciding what one will and won't accept."
I know I still have a long way to go. I definitely am not developing any of my true gifts these days. In fact, I have been wasting my time all week watching "Grey's Anatomy". Benjamin Franklin was quoted in one episode. "Never put off till tomorrow that which you can do today".
That's maturity too. Growing up is awful, but not growing up is so much worse. I like who I am for probably the first time in my life. I am not depressed or in denial or looking for shortcuts to happiness. I am going to be just fine, if I can just get through the rest of this horrendously sad week.

What's the deal?

I took Ellie trick-or-treating yesterday. She has pink-eye and couldn't be around other kids so she missed all the fun at school and the church party, but I still took her around Golf's neighborhood for some candy. It was fun. The weather was nice. The neighborhood was friendly and she got lots of candy and we only went on two streets. It lifts my spirits to hang out in child-friendly suburbia for a little while. I like seeing that there are so many good families having kids and enjoying their families. It also depresses the heck out of me. I used to be one of these suburban moms with my nice house and my cluster of friends in the neighborhood...and now I am this poor single mom in a basement apartment. And why is this my lot in life? I should be asking why not. Why not me. I don't enjoy my current situation. I don't like being a single mom and I definitely don't like being on the bottom of the social status ladder because of it. The reality is that divorce causes poverty. I was an honor student in a good college, but because of my personal life, I am now stuck in loser-ville. But despite all this, I have to say that I am still happy (most of the time) and I know things will only get better for me...although they could get worse first!!! Anyway. Divorce sucks.

break-ups and trust issues

We’ve all been known to use the ‘let someone down easy’ break-up lines. Sometimes we even convince ourselves that they are true. “It’s not you, it’s me” or “I don’t know what I want right now and that’s not fair to you” or heaven help us all, “you’ll find someone that’s better for you”. I am a little bitter today. I am old and bitter. I feel like, so last-season!! Seriously. I would like a little more honesty. How about, “You are boring to me now” or “Other women are just more interesting to me”, or “I need a little more drama in my life”!! That I would believe because that is the truth. I don’t like dating. It is just uncomfortable. Marriage is so much better. And I have had the crappiest of marriages so I should know. First dates are awkward. It takes a really long time to get comfortable with someone and then you realize that the person isn’t at all what you had hoped for. Almost every date you go on will end with a sad or unpleasant break-up and the only thing you’ll have to show for it will be wasted time and more disappointment. And it’s always embarrassing to admit that you were wrong about someone. Again. I understand people who give up on dating altogether. I know I won’t be that person. I like men and flirting way too much. But the truth is, I lack faith. I doubt that I will find someone I like better. I doubt I will be as comfortable with someone else. I doubt I will find someone who challenges me intellectually and I really doubt I will find someone my daughter likes half so much. It’s easier for me to have faith in God when it doesn’t involve trusting other people as well.

making the rounds

So I got dumped today. Not totally dumped, more like put on the back burner. But emotionally, it's all the same thing. The person who I love doesn't love me the same way. It's just this sort of thing that made me give up crying in the first place and it gives me such a headache to hold back all these tears. Feeling the pain is what makes us special. It is a refiner's fire. I don't like it, but I trust that I will be ok.
The really sucky thing is that I absolutely can't give Golf up as a friend. He's been my best friend much longer than we dated. I appreciate his honesty. My ego is pretty messed up though. Call me sensitive, but I don't like rejection much.

Musings on life and marriage

My dad told me recently that life isn’t really made of hills and valleys, but is more like the two rails of a railroad track. The one rail is our trials and the other rail is our blessings. There is never a time in our lives where we don’t have both rails beneath us. I have been thinking about this regarding marriage lately. That’s only natural since I am goo-goo-crazy in love these days.
What are the motivations for getting married verses staying single? I should know this one, right? I should be an expert on relationships (no one believes that, I hope). The truth is, I only know my own experiences and I can only view my new experiences through the lens of my past. People name all sorts of trials in marriage; financial problems, sexual problems, personality conflicts, religious conflicts, health problems, child issues, and so on. I have experienced all of those things. The way I see it, those are just day-to-day issues we must all deal with at some point. I think one must consider what their expectations are in marriage. If you expect that joining up with your love will be the end of all of your trials, then you will surely be disappointed. If, on the other hand, you see your spouse as someone who needs your support get through THEIR trials and who can in turn keep you company through yours, then you can expect to be satisfied with the marriage. You should treat your spouse like you would treat your best friend. The relationship should be thought of like any other family relationship. Permanent, no matter what the other person does. And last but not least, our happiness is our own responsibility. My dad gave me a quote by Samuel Johnson, “He who has so little knowledge of human nature as to seek happiness by changing anything but his own disposition will waste his life in fruitless efforts.”
Boom. That is simple enough.

Going Red

Golf and I had a great weekend camping up on Skyline Drive. It was so beautiful. I really need to get a digital camera. We took a few pictures with my disposable camera, but it'll be weeks before those get developed. I let him dye my hair last night. It's one of these temporary dyes, but I might go permanent. It's fun to change colors once in a while. I have to say that I was worried since I let S pick the color on Golf's instructions. Next time we're dying Golf's hair and I get to pick the color! So I thought that spending so much time with Golf would be a little dangerous. I thought we would get on each other's nerves a little bit, but he is just so funny and good to me that I am more smitten now than ever. It bodes very well for us.
I only wish that my daughter could have been there with us. There were 6 or 8 kids there with our group and she would've had a blast. The only trouble with the trip was the temperature. It was freezing cold and we were not adequately prepared for sleeping. I am going to invest in a good air mattress and a 20degree sleeping bag for next time. I probably only got 4 hours of total sleep both nights combined. I am surprised that I am even functional now!!

And the new facts are...

OK, so now I am posting in real time after a delayed posting that I forgot I had written. This Sunday will actually mark my first monthiversary with Golf. We defined our relationship as exclusive, but I am still insecure about it 25% of the time. I suppose this stems from my being burned so badly in my last relationship. This weekend is a big step for me. I am going on a weekend campout with Golf and his mother and a bunch of her friends and family. I am super excited about it. And I am nervous to the point of nausea but don't tell him I said that.
Meeting mothers is tough business. Mothers can be entirely awesome, but it's always a bit of a gamble. I have had two past mother-in-laws. When it comes down to it, I ended up liking them better than their sons. They were awesome women and they had a common flaw...they spoiled their sons rotten and raised them into complete ego-maniacs. I don't really know if it was their fault though. My daughter can be somewhat of an ego-maniac too. I swear she was born that way.
Dating is weird. I love it, but it also makes me feel half-insane. I am not getting nearly as much sleep as I need. I only feel truly happy when he is around, and I pretty much have lost interest in all other activities. It seems more like I am bi-polar than in love. Plus I know how annoying it must be to all those who have to be around us. Smooching and giggling like middle-schoolers even though we're old. It's certain to be distasteful to 87.983% of the population. I will have to get a picture of us together for my old blog-site.

Relationship Status

Well It's been 10 days since I last blogged. I now have a new relationship status to report. That means I changed my facebook and myspace profiles from "single" to "in a relationship". My my. What a big step that was. Of course I haven't technically done the DTR (Define the relationship) talk so I don't know exactly what to call this new relationship. It is a friendship that took one little step forward. That is all for now. It was Golf. We've been good friends since the beginning of summer.
There is nothing scarier than deciding to date a friend. It's especially scary when he's become your best friend. On the other hand, you can trust a friend to be honest with you and your expectations are a lot more realistic.

My new poem about the ex

I’ve made a friend of a lover after all this time has passed.
Someone who truly knows me, who can always make me laugh.
The passion we once felt has mellowed to a warm, delicious glow;
Embers left to give light and heat, despite bitter cold or snow
The dangerous flame with its reckless abandon and unpredictable wrath,
Replaced now by something soothing and comfortable in its path
When our love died down and simmered into something we could trust,
Was it lessened somehow by its newfound freedom from our lust?
Rather, it’s awakened and strengthened, somehow made whole and new,
And a heart that once was broken now seems more fresh and true.
My heart, she cried for mercy and begged to be devoured in the flame;
But now she rejoices in the eternal embers left to melt down all the pain.

ffffffft.

I discovered myspace this week. I am now a junkie. I have no time for this new addiction and of course I had to do a little blogging there, so this blog has suffered. I can't write on there like I do on this blog though so no worries. I am certain that I will still use this one to confess all my idiot dating behavior. I didn't go on any dates this week. Unless you consider meeting Golf at the park and brown-bagging it a date. I don't because it was neither planned, nor paid for. It was paired off though so it met one requirement. And technically it was planned. And it's not like I had to pay for myself. I invited Golf to join me for dinner with Sam and Jeremy and Coleen (the sister, brother, and sister-in-law), but I bought the food so that can't be considered a date either. Plus I had my daughter with me so it was more of a family gathering with a friend.
Golf had a golf tournament in Richmond this weekend and I have had several church meetings to attend so it's been a quiet weekend. One never knows, I could just get all crazy on Sunday. I need to go to bed right now. I love pie.

reruns from happy days are even better than original happy days

Sam and I have been doing a lot of evening walks lately. First I put my daughter to bed, and then we head up the mountain behind our neighborhood. Last night it was raining, but we went anyway and some guy stopped us to tell us to look out for a bear that had been spotted wandering that neighborhood last week. It scared me, but Sam has lots of ranger experience so I wasn't quite as terrified as I would've been if I were alone. When Sam came home from her mission and we both ended up living at home (during my separation from my daughter's father) we started going for walks everyday. We both have very pleasant memories from that time and so walking together again is really great. The exercise doesn't hurt either.
For some reason, the conversation is better when your body is occupied with something else. We both need sympathetic sounding boards for all our woes. We also have been doing a lot of myspace searching for old friends lately. I have a hard time getting off the computer to get to bed on time. I am just hoping the novelty will wear off soon so that I can get some zzzzzzz's.

the good the bad and the early morning

I tell everything about my life so that I don't feel bad for sharing the good along with the bad. Everyone knows both sides. Perhaps people will relate to me better because they have the same types of experiences as me. The wrestling with one's self, if you will. Yesterday I did something good. I opted to go out with S and Golf instead of the ex. Yay me!! And I felt pretty awesome about that. The ex called me twice at work and wondered if I would take him clothes shopping. I was willing, but he didn't really make time to do it when I was available so I went ahead and made other plans. He called again when I was out with them and I told him that it was too late. I may be falling for Golf though. He would kill me for saying so since he's convinced that we should just be friends. And we are friends. But really, when you have such a good guy friend and you aren't dating anyone else and you find him attractive, it's only natural to entertain such ideas. It's not a good time though, so I am as adamant about doing nothing about it as he is. mostly.
A funny thing happened this morning. I woke up to the sound of a man's voice in my apartment. I looked at the clock and found that I had overslept by approximately one hour and 45minutes! My class was already inside (the man's voice was actually a 16-year old) ...apparently I didn't lock the door last night! Ellie's bus had already come and I had to be at work in an hour. Needless to say, it was a bit of a stressful morning. Ellie was only a few minutes late to school and I was 20 minutes late to work and the seminary class just had to do scripture mastery work on their own. They were very understanding that I had to get ready for work while they were there. Good times, S, good times. It turned out that although I checked my alarm to be sure it was set for the right time, I forgot to turn it on!
Today is my dad's 67th birthday. He doesn't seem like he can be that old!! I am hoping they spoil him good in Tokyo!

No privacy and no secrets

There is a part of me that wonders if it is such a good idea to be so very open with myself. I am sure that there is a good reason that most people play games in dating. It is a way to avoid pain and embarrassment, but I wonder if it also works so far as getting oneself in the relationships that one wants. I can't do it. I have a big mouth and cannot keep my own secrets. I have no problem with other peoples, but I just blurt my own like they are everybody's business. I used to think that somehow made me more honest than people who choose not to share, but I realize it just makes me appear even dumber than I really am. People are accustomed to a certain amount of holding back and I just don't do it. Really, I am frustrated with myself. I don't know if I am gonna change though. It's too funny to not include my idiot behavior on the blog. I am sure that is why other people talk about hobbies and art and music or anything other than their own behaviors. Not likely to happen for me. One, I am way too bored with hobbies, and two, I don't know enough about any one thing to devote more than one writing to any particular subject. I think human behavior is fascinating. I should write in the third person and use a pseudonym for myself.
Case Study #1: Darcy, female, age 29, twice divorced, one child, female, age 7 from first marriage. Subject is way too sharing of private information. Most likely attributed to lack of attention in her nuclear family which resulted in deep-seated insecurity. Exhibits strange over-exaggerated facial expressions when speaking. Very obnoxiously happy all the time. Can't seem to stop talking to ex-husband #2 even though he totally dissed her and left her up a creek without a paddle. Exhibits sarcasm when speaking to others but can be sensitive at times when others use too much with her. This week the subject called the ex herself to arrange a supposedly innocent date. Everyone who cares a smidge for her is discouraging the maintainance of said relationship, but she seems insensitive to their feelings on the matter.
Poor Darcy. She's such a boob.

pilfered pictures!

weekend update without Norm Macdonald

I am hoping to pilfer some photos to post on the blog soon. For now we will just have to patiently read all the ramblings of my mind. I had a momentary lapse of strength and called the ex to do something Friday night. Had it not been the ex, I am sure everyone would have called it a successful date. We went to see "Dirty Dancing" at Elmwood Park. They show it outside and everyone just sits on blankets or brings their own chairs. It is really nice. We enjoyed it. The ex had never even seen "Dirty Dancing" even though it was filmed in the county where he was raised. After the movie we went and got pizza at "Frank's Pizza". His choice. He hadn't had pizza since before we separated. There was no hanky-panky and we enjoyed just going out as friends. So stop being so hard on me, ya'll. I was mostly well-behaved. The movie started at dark and I went home by 11:00. Golf already gave me a hard time. And so did my mother. And my sister. And my brother. And my sister-in-law. I am not telling anyone else. That would just be asking for a hard time.
On Saturday, the sister, S and I went to meet her old friend and a few of his friends. The plan was to go to White Rocks and I was going to leave because I didn't want to spend the night. We got there A LOT later than anticipated. That's why you don't let out-of-towners take the lead when you already know how to get somewhere. There was a guy there that was a bit of a cutie, though. At least I thought so. S totally disagreed. I am glad we have different tastes now. There would be nothing worse than both of us liking the same guy...again. Anyway, S didn't end up wanting to spend the night either so we both left around midnight and drove the hour and a half home. I was exhausted by last night.

Sam's new look!

So I brought S to work today to introduce her to my coworkers. I felt just like an elementary school student who has her parents eat lunch in the school cafeteria. Fun! I only wished I could take credit for her cool new hair, but she did the cut herself and all I did was the color. It's nice having others to make up so that I can give my own hair a little time to grow out.

I know I am supposed to be giving full accounts of all my dating adventures, but I haven't had a single date in WEEKS!! Thank goodness. It's been the most pleasant hiatus for me. I don't miss it at all. So I am in a total crisis mode about my weekend. I have not a single plan and my daughter and sister are both going out of town. Golf has a golf tournament at Bridgewater College and the ex has invited me to see his band play at Cornerstone. It's ever so much more tempting when I have nothing to do, but seeing as I have no one to accompany me, I am not too worried that I will succumb. I do not like going to bars. I really would be uncomfortable without a close friend. I suppose I will have to actually tackle my boring filing that I have been putting off for months. sigh. It'll be good to get more organized!!

staying up late

It's almost 1:00 am. I don't know why I haven't gone to bed yet! I just deleted my online dating subscription. I really don't like the way I feel looking at people I don't know and trying to decide who's worth "flirting" with and who isn't. It's not for me. I don't like being checked out that way either. I would rather just find friends now. I am tired of dating. Did I tell you lately how cool Golf is? And Korea is also very cool. The ex is no longer cool. I don't like how I feel about myself when I am with him. That's no longer acceptable to me. Watching my sister go through this separation and possible divorce is teaching me a lot about myself. I don't want her to settle or be miserable and there are people who care about me that way. I simply refuse to ignore their good advice any longer. I don't know why people are so stubborn. And when I say "people", I mean ME! I am hoping for some serious personal growth. ahhhh!!! what did I just say? I didn't mean it. I can't handle serious growth really. I just want an itty bitty amount of growth at a time. I just want it to be a gentle slope towards emotional health. No life changing experiences need apply. I have had enough of those.
This posting is lame. I am boring myself. And getting on my own nerves. I can't believe there are people who might actually read all my ramblings. I love you for it though. It's nice to imagine that you are heard. I love reading other people's blogs!
cha-cha-gigi, I hope you are done with your time off now.

OK, it could be a change in dynamics

Well my mother was upset with me because I haven't been writing her diligently. I am such a bad daughter. The truth is that I am spreading myself out a little too thin. Starting school up again is hard on me. It'll take a couple weeks to adjust to being the full time teacher, mother, sister, and employee that I am now expected to be. The good news is that I realize I am fully capable of it and I just have to be patient with myself.
So the redneck really ended his chances of being just friends with me this week. I don't like pushy people and expecially don't like someone pushing themselves on me. I like flirting when it's casual but I don't like serious committment talk early on. ick. I had to be a lot more blunt and it felt mean, but the result was good. No more unwanted contact. I guess I need to go into details for those who are unfamiliar with the whole story. He called me to ask if we could still be friends and I said "ok". Then he called the next night and I didn't answer the phone and he left a message about this weekend. The next morning he texted me that he wanted to have lunch. We met at Wendy's and during lunch he wanted to know if the dating option could be left open. I was so uncomfortable and I said "ok" even though I should have said "no". When I got back to work there was another dozen roses and that just pushed me into "freak-out" mode. I ignored them and there was no card, but later that day he texted me again with "hope you're having a floral day". I still did not reply. The next morning he texted with "hope I wasn't too forward yesterday, I just wanted you to know I feel". That's when I went for the blunt reply. I texted back and said "honestly I was very uncomfortable. you put me on the spot. I don't want to be more than friends." And I haven't heard a word since.
I didn't go to the ex's show this week like he wanted me to. He came by the house Wednesday night and it was just hard for me. I planned to go see his show with Golf but then S and Golf talked me out of it and I was protected from what was sure to be an evening of misery. It is nice to have good friends who love you. I am lucky. The ex called me at work the next morning wanting to know what happened to me. I played it cool. I am getting a little annoyed with his lack of compassion for what he's put me through. That could be the best thing that's happened to me in a long time! Annoyance is major with me. It marks the end of a relationship as far as I am concerned. Or at the very least, a change in dynamics.

Hollywood Moment

Here's E and S at Hollywood's in Roanoke. It's a great little restaurant in Roanoke. Ellie saw a picture of a farmer milking a cow. She looked at it and I said "What do you think of that picture?" She replied "it's a veterinarian and he's getting the cow to pee in a cup, right?" Ha ha ha ha. She's a bit of a city slicker, eh?
It was a fun family gathering. It's way cool having S back in town. I think we are adjusting pretty well to one another. Ellie had a good night last night and a good morning today so maybe the worst is behind me.
I have got to get a good digital camera. These camera phone images are really awful. sorry.

Golf at Lunch

Nothing interesting today, I don't know why you are checking

Dating, as I had known it in the summertime has officially disappeared. It has been replaced with gentle friendships and not-so-gentle temper-tantrums. The friendships are mine and the tantrums are E's. I am hoping that things with her will improve as she adjusts to her new school schedule. This starts a new season for me. Now that S is living with me and E is back at home, I am missing my alone time more than ever. I started teaching early morning seminary again yesterday. I have a really great class with 3 students. I am certain that they will be teaching me much more than I can teach them. Getting up an hour earlier is no big deal, but getting E up at all is always a big deal. She is such a night owl but she gets so grumpy in the mornings.
Yesterday I got a call from Redneck just before seminary started. That's before 7am for those that need specifics. He wanted to talk so I told him I would call him after work. I was glad to speak with him because I had missed him this last week, but I didn't feel like it would be fair to pull the "let's just be friends" line because I know he wants more than that. Anyway, that is exactly what he asked for and I am more than happy to oblige. I do want to follow my mother's advice to cultivate friendships. Today I will eat lunch with Golf. He'll be going to school right nextdoor to the courthouse where I work. It'll be nice to have a little company to go with my PB&J. And poor Korea has been reading my blog. There is no telling what he thinks about all my dating diaries, but he hasn't totally given up on me and so there is still hope for him. I introduced my sister, S to my neighbors last night. It wasn't long before she got her first post-separation dinner invitation. The guy was at least twice her age. It'll be fun to have a commiserating partner. The neighbor who asks me out all the time was supposed to replace me with her, but it didn't take apparently because now he is pressuring her to bring me around more often. It's no wonder I avoided neighborliness all summer. I am going to put in this picture of an officer who came in the office today and made me laugh. Thank goodness for a good sense of humor. I know I need it.

Sister in Virginia

Look it's S! We picked her up from the airport quite successfully except for one broken flip-flop. Can you see her hairdo? It's short everywhere except in the very front. She is now being sent to her bed for some much needed rest and I am going to bed too!

Saturday morning with a mother and daughter

It's the start of a brand new day! Those of you who were very upset about yesterday's posting had every right and I apologize for the picture of the ex and the comments that accompanied it. The one who called me on it (you know who you are) motivated me to leave yet another message for him. This basically said "please don't call me anymore, I really meant what I said about not being able to handle being "just friends" and it's not fair for you to ignore my request."
Maybe this time it will take. I am getting ready to go pick up my sister S from the airport in Raleigh. It's a 3 hour drive so Ellie is packing snacks in this picture. She picked out a plain tortilla and some chocolate chips!! She is a sweetie normally. Yesterday just as Golf arrived to watch a movie with us, she threw the most colossally embarrassing fit on the sidewalk in front of all the neighbors and Golf. I was mortified, but that's parenthood.

Mind Battles

Here's the ex in all his glory. I still think he is beautiful. This picture is from his band website. There are several more on there if you go to code11entertains.com
It's just sad how many times I have looked at that site to see pictures of him since we got separated. I found that the more I fought my feelings, the worse I felt. So now I can see pictures and talk to him without getting as upset about it. There is no way around things like this. You just barrel on through and it hurts but you grow.

Happy Friday!! I heard "Celebration Song" on my way to work today. I am pumped now to take some phone calls!! Ha ha ha. jobs are jobs. I had such a toasty night last night. I got my baby girl into bed and put my phone on silent mode and caught up on some much needed zzzzz's. I love getting a good night's sleep. Well my little sister is now going through a separation with her husband. I always said I would rather go through it myself than have to see someone I love go through it. I am sure she will handle everything marvelously, but that doesn't mean it will be easy for her or anything. They say that divorce is like experiencing the death of a loved one. I agree. You go through all the stages of grief: anger, denial, acceptance, grief, and whatever else there is over and over in any kind of order. Those that know and love S need to call her often and keep her in your prayers. I got a call from the ex last night. Just checking in and reporting. I am pleased to say that it didn't upset me and I was the one to say that I needed to go. This is progress, ya'll!!

I will probably have Golf over tonight. He wants to watch "Poseidan" with Ellie and I. No problem for me because I totally think Josh Lucas is the hottest leading man! mmmmm...yummy. And Golf has been a great friend ever since I first talked to him. My mother's most recent advice to me is "cultivate friends, you don't need a husband!". And I have been thinking it ever since...I am starting to feel it too!

The other side of the story

Well there are those who did feel the need to call me to check on my sanity after the kiss with the ex story. I love those people and it makes me feel good to know that I am not alone with my worries and woes. Now keep in mind that I write what I am feeling exactly at the time I write and I am as fickle as any girl I know. The fact that I experience a feeling one day doesn't indicate that I will continue feeling it. I suppose that is the nature of feelings. They are constantly changing. It is my belief that we can create some feelings based on directed thinking. I mean if I really wanted to feel different about something and I got into certain habits of thinking, then I could truly feel different in time. So I am gonna do a feelings experiment. I want to start with something small. I am not ready to work on the ex yet so I am going to do it with a bit of a neutral acquaintance. I haven't thought of a good person yet. I will have to scope out my options...figure out someone who I just don't like. Police officers are hot. sorry. I had to throw that in. I work with them all the time and I just like them.
I broke up with my redneck. It was hard but I got it over with once I knew it had to be done. I have no current prospects and I kind of like that. My mom said I need to repeat "I don't need a husband" to myself frequently. She must be privy to my theory of thinking and feeling. If I think "I don't need a husband" regularly then I will really feel that way and then I will not be tempted to settle just to be with someone. yay!! when you believe you control your own feelings, it's very empowering. I suggest it as a way of life. you go girl.

no apologies necessary

Okay, the truth is that I have a hard time writing on my blog when I know certain people will be reading it. I am even considering keeping a private diary instead. This lets me know 2 things about myself. First, I am obviously not proud of all my dealings with men and second, I don't think things have been very funny lately. The only course of action I can take is to be brutally honest and bare my soul for all to see. This will not accomplish anything except for potentially burning some bridges with men who I am not committed to anyway.
So I kissed two guys in two days. The first guy I am gonna have to name Redneck because he is an admitted redneck and while I have known him my whole life and really respect him, I just am not feeling any kind of attraction to him. And the second guy is my ex-husband. Yes, that's what I said. Now don't go all crazy and start calling me. Both kisses were just pecks and they were both pleasant enough but didn't have any kind of deep meaning. The thing that I learned from kissing the ex is that I am not really ready to move on to anyone else seriously at this point. I just haven't the heart. I still have really strong feelings for him. Not that everyone who really knows me didn't already know that, but I just have to say it. I made a seriously hard choice a few weeks ago and told him not to call or visit me anymore because I was trying so hard to get over him. The result of that e-mail was that the ex started calling me more and now I am less over him than I was before. It would stand to reason then that the solution is to ask him to visit me and call me more and then I won't hear from him at all. The problem with that is that it would make me feel like a bigger loser than I already do. I have realized that I need to end the tiny start of a relationship I have with the redneck because I can't feel for him what he deserves a girl to feel for him. I mourn this loss because I just know he would make a fabulous husband to some lucky girl, but it won't be me and that's sad when you don't have any decent prospects left. It's the only option because it is the right and honest thing to do and I can't lead on someone whose family I have known my whole life knowing full well that I am not attracted to the guy. sad sad.
The worst thing is that I really want to kiss the ex again. bad me. sad me.

3 weeks of misery wasted

I really have NOT been miserable for 3 weeks and that is why I haven't blogged. Of course I am only kidding. I am sorry for the lapse. It's Golf's fault. He is a phone talker. Totally friends only but still wants to keep me up past my bedtime every night. He likes to pick my brain about ridiculous scenarios. "If you were on a date with a guy you really liked and he farted but didn't say anything about it, what would you do?" That kind of a question. He really is funny but apparently all my feminine charms do nothing for him. He likes younger, shorter women with long dark hair. blah blah blah.
I put up with it because he's all I've got these days to occupy my time. Never Untucked finally got the hint...although I did have to put up with him on one more date last week. The YOung ONe has left for college and I miss his attention but am kinda relieved that he has gone. Mr. Korea is still my favorite. He's seemed kinda glum these last few weeks. I think he misses me, but more than likely he is just tired of being in the army. But I think it's me. hee hee. I am always so full of myself.

The follow-up

I finally heard from Mr. Korea. I wrote him diligently in the past few days so that he'd have no excuse not to write me back. It was really good to hear from him. I didn't realize how badly I missed talking to him until I heard from him again. I called the Young One yesterday and apologized to him about the hand-holding and told him I just wanted to be friends. He really is a sweet guy. I also bit the bullet and talked to Never Untucked. I told him that I just wanted to be friends, but then I realized I don't even want to be friends after he asked me what I was doing next week. Ugh. He bugs.
So I had a really good date on Tuesday night. It's nice to just have fun sometimes. And no one put any moves on anyone so it was even better.
I spoke to my brother J and told him about the funny coincidence with the internet boy who is roommates with my 1st cousin. Turned out J knew he too! They were lab partners at BYU. I was so surprised that I called Internet Boy just to tell him that he knew my brother. In all honesty, I don't think I can be interested in Internet Boy after talking to him twice. He is very very nice. I am not sure that I could be attracted to him though. His voice reminds me of a guy that was in my ward growing up (Will Whittier for those who are interested). I just sound like Elaine from Seinfeld when I come up with reasons like that. I care about chemistry though.

Oh so many stories!

It has been too long since I have blogged! Dating-land has been calling me! Seriously it was a bit of a wild weekend. I went to another dance in North Carolina. This time we took 8 people and met 4 others down there. That made for bunches of fun. I had a great time but ended up in a bit of a situation. There is a really sweet young guy (The Young One) in my ward who I have flirted with for months. My theory was that since he is only 21 and I am 29 that it would be safe to flirt with him and he wouldn't ask me out. So then 2 weeks ago at church he jokingly proposed to me in front of a bunch of people and so then we jokingly told everyone we were engaged and I thought it was all in fun. Well, I was trying not to dance with any new guys at the dance so I danced with him a lot, and then on the drive back we were the only ones awake...he was driving and I was keeping him awake...anyway I must've crossed some line because we ended up holding hands...yeah, you think that is cute, but I wasn't thrilled about this new development, and didn't know how to properly address it so that I could remedy my mistake...then he asked me out for the next night, and I was totally nice and said "yes", but I should have said "no" because then he held my hand in the movie. I was feeling like a pedophile or something. It upsets me because I really really like him AS A FRIEND and I hate to be insensitive. It is totally my fault too. He asked me out again yesterday but I already had a different date set up so I told him that I couldn't go out with him because I had a date. Hopefully it will be the end of it...I think you all know it won't be though! Things never end so easily. I am really sad because I haven't heard a word from my sweet North Carolina man since he had to leave for Korea. I haven't heard from him since Friday night before the dance.
I was early to the meeting place and was talking to Mr. Korea on the phone when the Young One pulled into the lot. He saw that I was on the phone and left me alone. The Young One is very polite. Unfortunately, the next guy to arrive was this fellow whom I will call Never Untucked because he tucks in his t-shirts and it gets on my nerves. Never Untucked is only 23 but he thinks of himself as being very mature. He is not a bad fellow, and wouldn't get on my nerves if I didn't know he was interested. So before I discovered that he was, I invited Never Untucked to the dance along with pretty much everyone in the ward that I spoke to. For some reason, he asked me if I was inviting him as my date. I obviously was not thinking clearly so I said "sure!" instead of the correct and honest answer of "heck no". I realized this within minutes and so I told Never Untucked that since I didn't think a big group at a dance would be a good date, maybe we could have dinner together sometime instead. He invited me for Sunday dinner with the missionaries. I was happy because I would have others to speak to! Anyway, I have totally gotten off-track. The point is that when he arrived to meet for the dance, he opened the passenger side and got in the car WHILE I WAS STILL ON THE PHONE WITH MR KOREA. I was annoyed so much that I made it a point to not let him sit next to me on the drive down to Raleigh! Unfortunately this is how I ended up sitting with the Young One. Then, at the dance, I danced a lot with the Young One just to avoid dancing with Never Untucked and this other fellow whom I haven't yet mentioned but I will call him Voicemail Reject because he asked me out on voicemail AFTER I DIDN'T return his first call. That story is not so much funny as just mean.
Anyway. whew. I am exhausted.
So I then had church on Sunday where I arrived first...big mistake. Never Untucked came in and sat on my left and then the Young One came and sat on my other left. OK, Never Untucked was on my right. I am directionally challenged, by the way. So it was like they were fighting over who could share their hymnal with me.
Enter ward young guy number 3. I know...it's way too confusing. There is another guy who entered the picture a few weeks ago who knows about Young One and Never Untucked. He is fun to talk to but is also young although a lot less clueless. I will call him Golf.
Golf is not nearly as forward as these other two. I really thought he was trying to make a friend with me as a means of getting to some other girl in the ward, but after calling and talking to me for an hour 4 nights in a row, I clued in that perhaps he was interested in a little more than friendship. I haven't gone out with him as of this blog but have a date this evening. Thank goodness we planned it on Saturday night because Never Untucked and the Young One both asked me out for tonight so it gave me a good reason to say "no".
Meanwhile I am still on the mormon dating website and I have been getting lots of messages which I almost always ignore. For some reason I responded to this guy in NY who asked if he could call me. I gave him my number and it turns out that his roommate is my 1st cousin! Random!
Anyway that is all I have for now. I am worn out just thinking about it. Don't you wish you could be cool like me?! I am such a loser. I really can't believe this week!

Fun in the sun...oh the joys of childhood summers!

You'll have to excuse the sideways picture. I got it that way and have no idea how to fix it. Anyway it looks like she's MOSTLY having a lot of fun...that sunburn might hurt a little! Summertime is pretty much awesome for kids. I am totally jealous!

What's meaner? Sending me a vacation picture while I am at work or e-mailing me that his friend from high school is friends with my ex-husband. How about both in the same day? Just the same I think this picture is adorable. Of course I am biased now.

It's been a great couple of days. The problem is that the better things are going for me relationship-wise, the more boring my blog becomes. Sorry CC. I am just not a giggle-maker anymore I guess.

I spent about 5 hours on the phone today after work. Sometimes you're just on a roll. I also rearranged my kitchen and cleaned my house...I like talking while I work, but my phone only works in the kitchen so it limits my housework potential greatly.

I have been so much of a social butterfly in my singles ward lately that people are starting to call me to find out what is going on in the ward. I am not even a true member of that ward, but I have been going to pretty much every activity that they have while my daughter is vacationing at my sisters. It keeps me occupied, but I worry that I will miss it really bad later. nah, I miss my daughter more. I need her to stay grounded. I got some cute pictures of her today too...I will upload those and then I need to get to bed.

Mamasita

Here is my Mom in Japan. She is in a cemetary there. That is her favorite past-time as a geneaologist. She is basically stylin' among the ancestors. I miss my Mom. I have been lucky to live within a couple of hours of her for all of my adult life. I actually got to live with her for 2 years after my 1st divorce and she made sainthood as far as I am concerned. She let me ramble on for hours and hours and would just listen to me. I would like to be that kind of a Mom to my daughter.

My Sweet, Wonderful, Baby Girl

Tractor Ride

My daughter is having a great time visiting my sister in Alabama. I just loved this picture she emailed me today. I miss her so much when she is not here! It is nice to see that she is having fun and creating memories with her extended family. Children should have plenty of positive role models in their lives besides their parents...or maybe in spite of their parents. I am so happy that my daughter gets to spend time with aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, and friends! A healthy social network is important for our overall happiness. I didn't get to know any of my extended family growing up. They all lived on the west coast and we grew up in VA. I have gotten to know some of them since I grew up, but I don't think it's the same as having someone know you as a child.

Bittersweet Blessings

I just had the most awful dream...that'll teach me to take an afternoon nap, right? In my defense I have been on the road since Friday afternoon. I drove about 28 hours total. I was good and tired. I think there is construction going on in the next door apartment. I kept getting awakened by drilling and hammering noises. Oddly though, I woke myself up by a sad dream that had me sobbing and the emotion was powerful enough to break through that sleep paralysis and I was unable to breathe...totally weird, man.
So, I had two purposes for all this driving. The first was that I transported my daughter down to my sister's house...she had been with her dad and I missed her! The second was to see Mr. Korea one last time. He wanted to come here to see me, but that would have been a logistical nightmare and it gave me a good excuse to take some vacation time from work.
We got together Sunday night around 10:30. I was staying with one of his friends from church and he met me at her place. We took a nice walk, had a nice talk, had our first kiss, and just enjoyed being together. I went in before it got too late and had a restless night. I was starving in the morning and so he arranged to come and get me and we went back to Ft. Bragg so he could formally clear out of his room. First he bought me some milk and cereal to squash my hunger pains. I enjoyed seeing how he'd been living and we had lots more good conversation. The special thing about this guy is that I can tell him what I am really thinking and he doesn't judge me or jump to any wild emotional conclusions. Basically, he thinks like me.
We headed to the army museum but it was closed on Mondays, so we went downtown and saw a small photo gallery before stopping at the "Blue Moon Cafe" for lunch. Their grill was down but the food was still good. I had a very healthy and tasty veggie wrap. He got a little personal pizza. We tried to find a card game called quiddler but it was only available online. We discovered that after fruitless trips to Wal-mart and Toys-R-Us. Finally we threw in the proverbial towel and went back to his friend's apartment. He discovered a book on color personality types and we took the tests...I turned out yellow blue and he turned out white blue for those who have a clue what that means. It was fun and I got a foot massage out of it too!
We left to catch a matinee and chose "Ice Age 2". That was a mistake, it's not nearly as good as the first one and we left before it ended and went to Barnes&Noble. I got a yoga DVD I had been looking for and we listened to the sample music of each other's favorite songs...or he listened to mine at least. He couldn't find his favorites on the sampler...thus my music is apparently a lot more mainstream than his. We then gave up on creativity and just sat and talked in the coffee-shop until dinner-time. We ate at a mexican cantina grill....mmmmm....good food! His friend met us there. If you can judge a person by the quality of his friends, then I have nothing to worry about with this guy. His friends were really funny and cool...just like him.
We met back up with his friends at the apartment after dinner and we didn't stay up too late...He had to be at the airport this morning at 6am. I fell asleep right away and morning came much too quickly. I was sorry to see him go. It was such a gloomy, rainy morning anyway. The weekend ended with just a sweet goodbye kiss and now we've got a year to figure out where this will go. I am glad I went. It was worth the trip.
Tomorrow will be back to the daily grind...That'll be good.

changing seasons

One of my sisters and I have been discussing the seasonality of our lives. I base my theories on the section of Ecclesiastes that the Byrds quote from in the song "To every season, turn, turn, turn." It's Chapter 3:
"To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
A time be be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace."
Oh my goodness, that is just so beautiful and deep.
The reason I mention it is that I feel I am starting a new time in my life. A good and hopeful time. I really have used these verses as a comfort to me in what I recognized as a hard season. And one of my sisters (if not all of my sisters, come to think of it...) is having a bit of a hard season too. Sometimes we compare our hard seasons to the good seasons of others and that can be frustrating. I think if we know there is a spring coming after the winter, then we recognize that our trials are temporary and that the bitter snows can help create the beautiful gardens.
Amen

The Big Old Family

Do you think I really cared who won the kickball game?

Well kickball really should be the american past-time. It's so much easier than baseball and everyone can participate. I am so grimy right now...I gotta hit the shower but I wanted to post this other picture first...I gotta go!

Mr. headed to Korea

Here he is!! Not only is he adorable, but he is technologically skilled enough that he pix- messaged these to me on my phone!! The last couple of days have been really fun. I am admittedly still in the infatuation phase of the relationship, but I see no reason to not live it up!! I have enjoyed several good phone conversations in the last few days and my mind has been eased about future possibilities. I like possibilities. Tonight I am going to play kickball in the 90 deg. weather. I guess I should bring water, eh? I will try to blog more later. Yes, I use blog as a verb now.

This is my daughter Christmas '04...nothing to do with today's writing but isn't she cute?!

Today started out pretty bad for some reason. I think I was hormonal or something. I wasn't grumpy, but someone on the phone about made me cry and I am never that sensitive...especially at work. He gave me his name and asked for a coworker and so I asked him which case he was calling about. His response was "I want to speak to so and so, and who is this?!!...I didn't think I would be cross-examined!!!" I just said "wow, ok, hold on". It upset me though. Some days you just feel beat on. Luckily my sister, Sam called me over lunch. I told her about my date and it cheered me right up!! I came back from lunch to a great e-mail from him and it was sunny skies from there on out! Amazing. Sometimes you just want to be noticed and appreciated. I wanna hug people today!! OK, sorry. I am getting on my own nerves here.
Speaking of getting on nerves. I went to a scripture study group with the singles ward. I brought my non-mormon friend Dennis along. We took turns reading and when the discussion started, this one guy kept arguing about stuff and wouldn't shut-up. I was so annoyed. It reminded me exactly of this kid I grew up with. His name was Kevin and we just argued all through Sunday school and seminary. The difference now is that I feel really bad about getting so upset with this guy. I had to apologize to Dennis for letting myself get worked up over it. Man. It took me straight back in time. You always think you've outgrown certain weaknesses. I hate to see mine pop up again. Dad...if you read this...I am sorry that I argued with Kevin in seminary all the time! Don't worry though. I am getting my just rewards now that I teach my own class! Karma, man.

I hope it won't be the final chapter...I want a picture!

I don't remember where I left off from my last entry but I am so so sad that my date is going to Korea. So so sad...
My coworker thinks I only go after unavailable men. Maybe that is why the date went so well. We both knew it couldn't possibly go anywhere.
We went to a public park with a lake. It advertised paddle boats but we found they no longer rented them once we got there. We went to a bridge over the water where he provided us each with a roll of pennies. The purpose was to throw all the pennies into the water, but we each had to say a wish or something we liked or ask a question of the other. It made for great "getting to know you" conversation. I thought it was very clever. We spoke of our 3 favorite people in the world, what we would change about ourselves, our favorite period in our lives, what we'd do with a million dollars, etc.
When asked the animal that he was most like or would most like to be, he said sloth. I have already forgotten what I said I was most like, but I said I would like to be a dolphin. He thought I was most like a giraffe. Tall, skinny, blonde, gentle, but strong....mmmmmm...good answer!
We found a pizza grill for dinner. It was a bit of a dive, but memorable. He kept batting his eyelashes at me over dinner. That was our time to talk about why we had gone out and what would happen next. We communicate well...it's easy because our personalities are so similar. I am even more upset about losing touch with him today than I was yesterday. He did email me yesterday and wants to keep in touch but neither one of us can make any promises or expect any in return.
After dinner the conversation turned to physical attraction and we both agreed that if it were the right thing to do, we would definitely enjoy some bonding in that area, but it would only make things harder. I gotta say.. mmmmmmm...
ce' la vie!

Exasperating!

I had the most wonderful date with the most wonderful guy! Of course he is going to Korea and doubts very much that he will stay in touch the full year based on only one day's fun! That is a very honest statement as I am sure I will lose momentum and stop emailing him too. I almost didn't go on the date because I got really excited about a guy in Charlottesville from the singles site I am on. We had a great time e-mailing and IM-ing this week. Once I spoke to him on the phone though I knew it would have to be a no-go. Thank goodness I didn't cancel with the North Carolina cutie-pie. My date met me and we first went to a flea-market at the Greensboro Coliseum. He hadn't had lunch so he asked the old ladies at the entrance if there were any snack vendors. He had those women tripping over their own feet to help him...he really is adorable. Tall, dark, and handsome. He has a 5 o'clock shadow by noon and these deep set hazel eyes framed by curly black lashes....mmmmmm. Anyway, I digress.
So all he found to eat was a small loaf of yeast rolls. I had the foresight to pack PB&J and an apple that I ate on the drive down. After we browsed the wares we agreed that neither one of us was particularly interested in trinkets and we didn't care much for shopping so we headed to the visitor's center for some more schmoozing with old ladies. Turned out the lady was quite helpful and provided us a map with directions to the Greensboro Museum. We parked near a graveyard with "no trespassing" signs and that was a bummer because we both love graveyards. The museum was fun. There was nothing really amazing or museum-worthy in it. Just historical, sentimental stuff. I did enjoy some room exhibits that showed examples of interior design in the 19th century. My date and I batted witty comments back and forth over the exhibits. He challenged me most excellently. He is embarrassed about his job. He's a cook in the army. I know the feeling. I am a secretary/receptionist. We're both underutilizing our talents so far as jobs. His job sounds way worse than mine...I am sure the pay is better though. We walked around the downtown area and I embarrassed him frequently by telling him he was hot, but pretty hairy. I then had to show him my long second toe so he would know that I wasn't perfect either!! I had no indication of whether he thought I was cute at this point, but the body language was pretty clear. He was not disappointed by my in-person persona. I have to get ready for church so I will have to continue this entry later...I may actually put a hard copy in a journal somewhere....I mean, it was a 6-hour date and I am feeling that I don't want to lose any memory from it!
what a sentimental schmuck I am...

Weekend Anticipation

So tomorrow I have a date with a guy I have been emailing for a couple weeks. I am pretty excited about it even though I know he's heading to Korea in 2 weeks for a year. He's in the army. I think most of the fun of dating comes from the anticipation and the high expectations. It is part of the wonder of the human spirit that we keep hoping for the best no matter how many times we've been let down. I would never want to have everything that I want. I would miss the daydreaming about what it might be like. Anyone who's ever accomplished a major dream knows that they aren't truly satisfied until they have a new dream. Maybe that is why I really like religion. The focus is on things which you really cannot fully accomplish in this life. It's all about the anticipation of a really great after-life.
The guy I will be going out with is someone I scoped out at a dance. I noticed him because he really looked fun and he was attractive. We didn't speak but I had a friend get his e-mail address for me. I have never used a friend like that before. I usually have the guts to handle my own love affairs. I think the difference now is that I feel very insecure about being twice-divorced...I felt insecure being once divorced but it's more of an exponential difference than a matter of simple addition. I have a friend who is going through his first divorce at 40. He described it as a nasty film that you just can't scrub off! I thought that was apro po.

I am the second to the left in this photo. I am a freshman at the time. Notice that I have the largest feet and that my legs are way up there but I am a full head shorter. But I was dang cute.

Movie Night Madness

I really like the singles ward...that is a congregation of mormons who are all single and under 31. I am the grandmother figure in the group. My friends there are almost all 18. They are way fun. We had a lot of chocolate in the room so you could feel the love. I don't know what the neighbors thought of all the frisbee in the street but it wasn't too late so I am sure it's all good. The guy to gal ratio was pretty good. We had 5 girls and 3 boys. Tomorrow is a pool party. I am always interested in pool parties. If people actually show up it will be cool.
I talked to my NC boy to plan our Saturday date. He is very clever and funny but I can't read him at all. I am sure he's equally skeptical about us going somewhere considering our circumstances but you never know. I am going to see if I got any bites on the online dating site. I hope so! Then again, I really ought to go to bed now instead.

Photo of cooler sister, Sam, as promised!

She is just so cool...the guitar really sets it off, although she is wearing her comfy grungies on this day, normally she would be dressed funkier. She lives in Salt Lake City now. Leave her alone though because she likes to be a little scary. I think her hair is black now.

Random Bluesy Days

Today I am feeling quite ordinary. Kind of like an outfit that you've owned for enough years that it feels like it may be part of your skin. I don't need to feel glamorous but I hate feeling ordinary. My sister Samantha has a cool look. She is just unique looking and then she adds wild hairstyles and clothes to it and she is striking. I will never be striking but usually I at least feel pleasant. Why is it we wake up in bad moods some days? I work in an attorneys' office. Today someone said that a guy should just be happy not to be in jail. That'll work for me too. I am happy that I am not in jail. Or worse...still married to husband #1. I will try to upload a picture of her later.

Ex-husbands are big poop heads!

This is a special posting just for Jared. He's my 2nd husband and my favorite husband. I really don't like the 1st husband and I am really not quite over the 2nd. He is worth well over $500 in cash. Maybe even more, but I don't want to be overly generous in public. If he can get the address right he might even look at my blog. Jared is a really great cyclist and a really great cop. He is a great lead singer in a band. Kind of a crappy husband but you can't have everything. One day he came home and said he wasn't going to be miserable and I needed to find a new home. I guess they were related but it still makes me cry just to think about it. Give me a minute. Ok, I just remembered that I gave up crying so I won't. I will instead start to be really mean and sarcastic. Hope no one is watching. I hate to be mean.
Jared is mean but he doesn't mean it. His heart is good but he tries to ignore it when he can.

There were 10 years between my oldest sister and my youngest. I am the 2nd from right. We were very loud and chaotic in my house. We still are when we all get together. It's a huge competition to get some attention when the gang's all there.

This is another shot of me at 14. I am with my then 15-yr old brother Jeremy. We were hot.
His wife taught me to be a blogger. I am eternally indebted. Now she wants to set me up with someone she was friends with at this age! Maybe she'll give him my blog address and he'll be so impressed he'll wanna meet me. Don't you just love a blind date candidate. So exciting!

I am really trying to figure out how to put this on as my profile shot...I think my expression matches my feelings. I am trying to be upset but I just can't take myself seriously.

This is me at 14. My legs were done growing but the rest of me still had some catching up to do. I grew 4 more inches in high school.

Careful, my blog bites!

I am starting with a bit of an introduction to myself. I am 29 and mormon and twice divorced. It's no way to start a life. I consider 29 just starting. And I have no idea where I will end up. I just hope it won't be 39 and 5 times divorced. I don't think the odds look good for me. Maybe I shouldn't say I am mormon because I don't want people to get the wrong impression of mormons because of me. I love being mormon and I loved being married. And at least I am still mormon. I have been looking for true love. I admit that I think I am pretty. Sorry to quote a country song right off the bat, but "I may not be a 10, but the boys say I clean up good!".
When I was 17 I found out my cousin was pregnant. She is a month younger than me. I always envied her because she got so much attention from boys and I was quite late on the developmental timeline. Then I was grateful that boys didn't pay attention. Now they pay attention to me, but it's always the wrong kind of boy. That's one of my problems now. I don't have what it takes to be a trophy wife. I have very strong opinions and I think arguing is a way to show affection. That's how I ended up this way.
I want to use this as an outlet for all the sad, happy, funny, and embarrassing things that happen to me as I search for true love. If anyone else enjoys reading it, then I know they've been there too.
I decided to try online dating. I live in Virginia and mormons are scarce. The first message I received asked me if I was a good cook. I don't know his first name yet. Does that seem out of order to anyone else? He also said his daughter is looking for a mother. I doubt she's the only one in the family who needs a mother but that wouldn't be polite small talk for a first e-date.
I traveled 3 hours just to go to a mormon dance two weeks ago. It was my second time in only 2 months. Desperate times call for desperate measures. I met a guy who wanted to know what I looked for in a guy. I look for a guy whose breath doesn't asphixiate me within the first 15 seconds of a dance. He gave me his e-mail. shudder.
The one guy that I thought had promise is 5 years younger than me and is about to leave for a year in Korea. That's good timing. We're going to meet up this weekend. He lives 4 hours away but is willing to meet me half-way. I think it'll last 3 maybe 4 days after the one-on-one meeting. Tomorrow I am going to a movie night with some single mormons in my area. We are watching "Finding Nemo" and having snacks. The last movie night ended with some guy getting my number from a 17-yr old friend who couldn't have known better. He was nice but when I didn't call him back from the first message, he went ahead and asked me out on the second. I have decided to be less friendly tomorrow. At least with the boys.